Please bare with me as this is very difficult to write and although I'm writing it I'm not sure I'm going to post it. I just need to get things off my chest and outta my head and just stop them festering inside my brain and depriving me of sleep. I have so many feelings and emotions over my abuse that it's hard to put it down in words but I suppose it's worth a try. Right now anything is worth a go.
I'm struggling, really struggling I have this overwhelming of guilt and shame that I carnt shake off and I'm riddled with self loathing beacuse of it. I carnt help but feel I've hurt people around me and that there all dealing with it badly. Everyone that's ever found out about my abuse has shortly after been strucken with such grief and depression they almost carnt function. I carnt help but feel I have caused there suffering and feel like I'm the one that's doing the abuse! In turn I carnt function and have lost all of myself! I'm nothing more than a shell of what once was and a completely unrecognisable character to what I know in my heart is my soul!
I was repeatedly raped and abused by my at the time boyfriend and his friends on many occasions from the age of 12 to 18. I hid the abuse from my parents to protect them from what he said he would do to them and how much pain it would cause them if I told them. For my own safety and the safety of my loved ones I told no one.i then couldn't take anymore and somehow I had a connection and a feeling of trust with my now boyfriend but at the time a close friend who I was dating. I felt I could tell him anything. he was my saviour. I knew he'd keep me safe and I just felt like he was the only person I could tell. I had an overwhelming feeling that I had to ask for his help. Thank god I did because he put and end to my suffering.he was the best thing to happen to me and I don't like to think where I would be without him he and my daughter bring me a glimmer of hope and joy that this can get better.
Now copeing with the suffering is just as painful and hard. I feel like I've put such a burden on my boyfriend like I've ruined his life. Like I've crushed his soul and left his with nothing but my pain. I feel like I've caused him pain like no other that I could never understand. I also panic about how it may impact my daughter. These thought are hard to live with and cause me a lot if heart ache. I love them both to the moon and back but feel like they would both of been better without me and the baggage of my abuse and past life.
I struggle with mundane chores and life, small things become big obstacles to me and even moving myself from the sofa somedays is a battle within myself I carnt win. I carnt help but blame myself for putting myself in a position to let myself be taken advantage of. I feel resentment to my former self for ever believing that what happened was normal and I cry myself to sleep most evenings with the feeling of lonleyness.
I keep telling myself things will get better but then another thing happeneds and life feels worse. All theses bad experiences are pileing up and I carnt shake them and I'm carrying each one round with me so the never ending list is becoming too heavy to bare. I've become so obsessed and self obsorbed in my own misery I doubt I'll ever see my optimistic self again and my glass will always be half empty.
I find myself putting myself down just to hurt myself inside and feel so pleased with myself for inflicting that pain on myself. I purposely will compare myself to women any women and finding a way there better looking than me just to get the satisfaction of hurting myself. I find other ways of mentally torturing myself on a daily basis. Some ways are so very sadistic I'm embarrassed I actually put myself thru it and often do small thing to inflicked pain to myself. I push people I love the most away simply beacuse I feel I deserve the pain of losing them.
I'm trying to find it within myself to finally flick the switch on life and see the light at the end of the tunnel but all I'm getting is the dark abiss of the tunnel I don't even know witch direction to walk to find it. Everything just feels so dark and difficult and moving forward although a dream is becoming a fairy tale like concept. Someone please tell me it gets better and I don't have to carry in feeling this way.
Thanks for listening
All my love and support now and always.
Leanne George xx