I honestly don't know what to do about my boyfriend anymore. He knows that I was raped and that I am not good with a lot of touching. I cannot be touched on my stomach or my sides because of this rape. I don't like taking off my shirt and showing people my stomach or my scar from the knife on my hip. I don't like being carried. He just won't understand that part. He wants so badly to break me of that. I don't want the pain of trying. I want him to give that up. I don't like being off the ground in ANYONE'S arms. We aren't planning to have sex, which is wonderful right now, but he keeps doing the touching. I have to remind him not to and sometimes, it's like he doesn't even hear me. I have to get really serious. I don't want him near my vagina, or lifting my shirt to touch the skin on my sides. I am very surprised as to how this even happens. I want him. I wish this could happen, but once it starts to happen (even though I know it really isn't going to (we are waiting for marriage)), I panic and want him off of me.
Most of the time, I feel completely safe with him. He turns me on, just like normal people. But I don't want the touching. He knows we are going to have to go really slow when we start having sex in the future. I have loved this man since we were four years old. We are now 17 and our hormones get raging when we get in the moment. He has never had sex, never even masturbated, so I understand that it's difficult. I know we aren't going to have sex, so I am still surprised at my reactions. I don't understand how I have to force him to stop touching me if it's not going anywhere.
Before you get the idea in your mind, my boyfriend is not abusive. He tries his best to protect me. He tries to help me through the nightmares or the night terrors but sometimes, he's in the nightmares. He is watching me be abused and just stands in shock. I scream for him and beg him to save me and he just stands there. Why does he stand there? Why can't he help me? I wake up and I don't talk to him. I don't want him anywhere near me, even though I know he would never do that in real life. I just don't know what this entry is even about anymore. I just needed to get this off my chest. I love him with all my heart, I just don't know how to get over some of these things. I guess it's one of those things that's easier said than done. I need advice, anyone know what I could do to get over this?