So. People have always told me that I'm powerful. That I'm strong. Brave.
I... I have never really believed it. Because... I'm so terrified on the inside. So... anxious. I'm constantly waiting for people to hurt me. Part of it has to do with my dad being emotionally abusive in front of me (truly do not recall him ever being like that directly to me), and then feeling abandoned when they got divorced. Then the assault/abusive relationship that started in the same time as the divorce. Combined with my mom getting remarried fairly soon thereafter...
I mean... all these things have made me isolate myself. From friends, from family... from everyone. The only people who really get me, unabashed and ashamed, are the youth which whom I work. And even then... it's a professional setting... so it's not the same. Anyway... I have isolated myself. I'm trying to break that habit... but it's hard. Most of the time, I don't even feel like it's worth it... the effort... the time it takes... and.... inevitably they all hurt you.
But, the bravery... I have heard people say this about me... but... recently my mom told me that I always had been. That even if the choices facing me made me scared and anxious... that I always took the next step forward; no matter what.
I guess... that just gave me some peace of mind. No matter what the future holds, even if I'm crying and weeping and shaking uncontrollably.... I will still take the next step.
Fuck... it's a lonely, fucking terrifying, pothole riddled and pitfall speckled road... but.... at the end of it, I'm hoping there is peace for Kimmy... and no one else can walk that road but me.
I'm going to do it.