I am uncertain who to start or what to write. I live in NYC with my husband who works oversee on Christian missions. I thought I was fortunate enough to go to LA for both a wedding and an IT convention on the same weekend. I went to the IT convention on a Friday where our company was celebrating the successful merger of two companies with a profitable year. I was tired from the time change and travel, and despite that, I ended up staying up late trying to get to know my new bosses, headquartered in LA. With only four hours sleep, I work up the next morning to go to the wedding location to assist with preparations and the ceremony. Before dinner, I discovered an old classmate of mine from college who I ended up sitting with during dinner. We were drinking wine and laughing about friends, work and life. I think I let him flirt with me throughout the night without saying too much about being happily married. I am not a heavy drinker and never been. I think I blacked out from too much wine over dinner, several potent jello shooters and lack of sleep. I vaguely remember dancing with him. I think I let him touch me throughout the night (my arm, shoulders) and I think I let him put his hand on my knee once. I must of felt flattered and liked the attention because I said nothing, believing it was harmless flirting. I don't flirt with men. I blacked out at some point. My only other memory of the wedding party was being in the elevator of the hotel when he was hugging me and trying to kiss me. Next thing I remember is I was laying on my hotel bed and felt someone taking off my skirt and panties. I could not move or speak a word, like I was paralyzed. I felt him touch me and lick me and I could not do anything. I barely remember him climbing on top of me and started to have sex which left me in total paralyzing fear, like I was pinned by his weight and strength. At some point, he was panting faster and harder and trying to french kiss me. For some reason I was able to move my hands onto his buttocks and grabbed them and I started to breath loudly in attempt to make him believe I was into it and stimulate him so he can finish quicker and it seemed to work. When he got off me, all I was able to do was roll over until I heard the door closed and I passed out crying.
This happened over a year ago. I did not press charges out of fear and shame but I told the basic outline of what happened that night to my husband as well as our church minister. But I did not share what was happening before the sexual assault (allowing the flirtation) and what I did during the sexual assault (my attempts to accelerate it). I feel really guilty that I left that information out. We are both Christians and have shared out souls with each other, ever since we met. We have prayed for healing and forgiveness and sought Christian counseling. There are times I know he ponders what else occurred that night. I know I did not want sex, nor wanted to be violated and be left with a shattered spirit. In addition to the persistent deep shame and anxiety I feel daily, is the constant heavy guilt of not telling the whole truth to him. Part of that guilt is, I think I might have been partially stimulated at some point during the sexual violation. Meaning I was wet. I felt myself wet when it was happening but I lied to him and stated I did not feel anything. I may have been kissing him when he was finishing. I don't know. It is so perplexing, I was wet but not turned on, but in shock what was happening to me. I feel shame and guilt every time I think about that.
My current struggle is when or how do I tell my husband the truth so that I don't feel like I am lying by omission. I left out so much of what happened. I feel guilty for giving the wrong signals and not setting boundaries that night. I feel guilty for drinking so much. I feel guilty for letting him hug and kiss me in the elevator. I feel guilty for pretending I was into it during the violation. I feel guilty for being partially stimulated. I feel guilty for not telling my dear husband everything, when I lied to him about having no other memories. I want to live a guilt-free live with my soul mate. I apologize for the lengthy post but I had to write out and share something I have been hiding from my husband. Just writing this is like I am releasing something I have hidden inside of me for so long. Seeing the truth in black and white in front of me for the first time seems to help, perhaps, it is an admission to myself, to someone else or somewhere safe. I guess I am wondering if others have similar struggles with full disclosure. Or have someone else not shared parts of what happened with their partners, if so, what parts and why? The burden and guilt of not sharing is heavy for me and I am looking to others for any suggestions how to deal with it. I will pray for all of you as well as guidance on how to tell my dear husband who has been supporting me through this nightmare. God Bless.