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How To Share My Full Experience With My Husband


MaryHealing

1,086 views

Hello,

I am uncertain who to start or what to write. I live in NYC with my husband who works oversee on Christian missions. I thought I was fortunate enough to go to LA for both a wedding and an IT convention on the same weekend. I went to the IT convention on a Friday where our company was celebrating the successful merger of two companies with a profitable year. I was tired from the time change and travel, and despite that, I ended up staying up late trying to get to know my new bosses, headquartered in LA. With only four hours sleep, I work up the next morning to go to the wedding location to assist with preparations and the ceremony. Before dinner, I discovered an old classmate of mine from college who I ended up sitting with during dinner. We were drinking wine and laughing about friends, work and life. I think I let him flirt with me throughout the night without saying too much about being happily married. I am not a heavy drinker and never been. I think I blacked out from too much wine over dinner, several potent jello shooters and lack of sleep. I vaguely remember dancing with him. I think I let him touch me throughout the night (my arm, shoulders) and I think I let him put his hand on my knee once. I must of felt flattered and liked the attention because I said nothing, believing it was harmless flirting. I don't flirt with men. I blacked out at some point. My only other memory of the wedding party was being in the elevator of the hotel when he was hugging me and trying to kiss me. Next thing I remember is I was laying on my hotel bed and felt someone taking off my skirt and panties. I could not move or speak a word, like I was paralyzed. I felt him touch me and lick me and I could not do anything. I barely remember him climbing on top of me and started to have sex which left me in total paralyzing fear, like I was pinned by his weight and strength. At some point, he was panting faster and harder and trying to french kiss me. For some reason I was able to move my hands onto his buttocks and grabbed them and I started to breath loudly in attempt to make him believe I was into it and stimulate him so he can finish quicker and it seemed to work. When he got off me, all I was able to do was roll over until I heard the door closed and I passed out crying.

This happened over a year ago. I did not press charges out of fear and shame but I told the basic outline of what happened that night to my husband as well as our church minister. But I did not share what was happening before the sexual assault (allowing the flirtation) and what I did during the sexual assault (my attempts to accelerate it). I feel really guilty that I left that information out. We are both Christians and have shared out souls with each other, ever since we met. We have prayed for healing and forgiveness and sought Christian counseling. There are times I know he ponders what else occurred that night. I know I did not want sex, nor wanted to be violated and be left with a shattered spirit. In addition to the persistent deep shame and anxiety I feel daily, is the constant heavy guilt of not telling the whole truth to him. Part of that guilt is, I think I might have been partially stimulated at some point during the sexual violation. Meaning I was wet. I felt myself wet when it was happening but I lied to him and stated I did not feel anything. I may have been kissing him when he was finishing. I don't know. It is so perplexing, I was wet but not turned on, but in shock what was happening to me. I feel shame and guilt every time I think about that.

My current struggle is when or how do I tell my husband the truth so that I don't feel like I am lying by omission. I left out so much of what happened. I feel guilty for giving the wrong signals and not setting boundaries that night. I feel guilty for drinking so much. I feel guilty for letting him hug and kiss me in the elevator. I feel guilty for pretending I was into it during the violation. I feel guilty for being partially stimulated. I feel guilty for not telling my dear husband everything, when I lied to him about having no other memories. I want to live a guilt-free live with my soul mate. I apologize for the lengthy post but I had to write out and share something I have been hiding from my husband. Just writing this is like I am releasing something I have hidden inside of me for so long. Seeing the truth in black and white in front of me for the first time seems to help, perhaps, it is an admission to myself, to someone else or somewhere safe. I guess I am wondering if others have similar struggles with full disclosure. Or have someone else not shared parts of what happened with their partners, if so, what parts and why? The burden and guilt of not sharing is heavy for me and I am looking to others for any suggestions how to deal with it. I will pray for all of you as well as guidance on how to tell my dear husband who has been supporting me through this nightmare. God Bless.

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I am so so sorry that you are struggling with this. Whilst I don't have a partner with whom I need to work out what to share / what not to, a lot of your story felt very close to home for me and just got me thinking about a few things.

I was raped a number of years ago now after I'd been drinking heavily during that day. I had previously drunk similar levels of alcohol, albeit not in a long while. But I had never had the reaction I had that evening. I have lots of memory blanks, especially of during the rape itself, which lasted a number of hours - I hardly remember anything of that. And I know that I was blacking out / going unconscious, as well as disassociating during the rape. I have often wondered if I was drugged. And I have to say that your complete lack of memory for events, and the loss of inhibition, may lean towards this - in wish case, you were totally out of control of things. But even if you weren't, you are entitled to be able to had a good night out - drink as much as you want - and get home safely.

Additionally, I came during the rape. There was no way on this planet that I wanted what was happening to me - I was in no fit state to make up my mind. But I had been over-stimulated for a very long time, and my body did what is natural for it to do (not that I don't feel complete and utter shame and disgust regarding this. It totally feels like my body betrayed me, moreso as once I did, it was after this that it actually vaginally raped me. He got like a hungry look in his eyes like an excited animal, and I knew what was coming - this I do remember). I also encouraged his at times. I was so sore, it's like I wanted to cum - I wanted to feel good rather than in pain. Just before I came, I remember pressing his head deeper into my privates which he was licking, and then just the utter feeling of shock combined with terror when I actually came. So you're not alone. We do crazy, sometimes unexplainable, things when we are facing utterly terrifying life changing situations.

Do you have a T (therapist)? If not, have you considered getting one? Perhaps get one that your husband could come to see with you when the time is right. It may be good to chat things through with them.

My thoughts on how to approach this with your husband were perhaps to firstly simply tell him that there is more. But to also tell him that this it not the time for you to open up about the remaining things - you need to work through them yourself. However, you will when the time is right.

That way, so long as you are actually working through things with a T, you would not be lying to him telling him that there isn't anything else. But youalso don't have to tell him everything right now. And, as said above, if he goes to T with you when you're both ready (admitted it'll be difficult with his work), then the T will help him too.

Though are my first thoughts anyhow. I wish you all the best.

God bless,

Forest x

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Hello,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It truly helps to know I am not alone with this struggle. I appreciate your advice on telling him there is more and seeing a therapist who specializes in such emotional trauma. Our Christian counselor helps but it feels like I am unable to open up yet with my husband. I know I will someday, I want to share everything with my husband. I pray everyday for the victims of these perpetrators. God Bless.

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I have never told anyone the full story until this post. My soulmate has no idea of all of the details, but he knows more of them than anyone. I think that you had to do what you did or else he could have potentially hurt you for not being into it. You were drunk, you could not legally consent. You were also stimulated, but that is your body's response. Your body has no idea of what is going on to you, just that it's supposed to give that reaction during that type of activity, even if you don't want it to, such as sweating while exercising. Memories increase over time, you start to remember more about what happened to you. It's natural, you can tell him that you started to remember more about that night, you were drunk, you didn't know what was going on, and you were scared that he would hurt you worse.

*X*O*

GABMC

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Hello,

Thank you for sharing your story. Before all this happened, I felt my soul was totally open to my husband. Now, it does not feel that way with my selective disclosures to him. I am beginning to understand about my body's responses which is different from my mental response. The more I write about here on this website, the less I feel I am concealing, at least to myself. I know I will tell my husband everything. I need to emotionally deal with my memories first before I do. God Bless.

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