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Step Up To The Plate



More and more... the more I'm going to therapy... the more I live my life.... I'm just...

Ok... so... yes he is trying (husband). He is.... but.... he still doesn't get that I need him, more than ever.

To be around me, to talk to me, to look at me, to hold me, etc, etc, etc, etc.... and he gets mad at me when I get hurt because he isn't.

I'm just so tired of begging him to give me what I need... I feel like that's all I've been doing.

And... we have pretty extreme your family vs. my family bullshit going on. I don't know how it started... but it's just gotten worse. It's like any time either one of us tries to talk about doing something with our families... the other one doesn't want to do it. No matter what it is.

What's hard though.. is we live TWO MILES from his family... so we see them ALL THE TIME.

Seriously. There's a fucking weekly "quota" that we have to fill for hanging out with them, otherwise his mom will bother us until we do.

One thing we discussed in therapy, which I still don't think he gets... is that my ONLY social network up here is HIS family. I have no one.

My job. My job is the only thing that really gives me happiness right now.

I'm trying so hard not to be fatalistic... but... more and more... I'm just... feeling more invisible... more second fiddle... more alone.

That's not ok.

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I'll just add too... now it's the weekend, so of course I let him sleep in as much as he needs to (I mean, just because I have the summer off doesn't mean that everyone else does) so it's cool to me for him to sleep in until 11:30.

But I just...all day today, I'm like... "So what's up?"

"What do you want to do today?"

"You feeling ok?"

Just.... every time I try to start a conversation with him... he's so... fucking distant.

And we're going to go over to his parent's house for dinner... and I know he'll be all chatty and full of life and words and jokes.... It's really hard not to get jealous... and it's really hard to - once again - feel like I need to beg him to pay attention to me/affirm me/and yes, give me the sexual attention I need that is all a fabulous result of my childhood CSA and trauma.... he's not bad... he's not. But I'm so fucking tired of him just... seemingly not to get it.

Or he says he does... but nothing ever changes.

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