So... I have been trying to communicate to my husband in a non-threatening, non-aggressive, husband-friendly way... that I NEED sex, sexual attention. That I NEED specific types of sex/sexual attention... and he is trying his best...
But he just made me so angry last night. We were laying in bed, and I was trying to initiate sexy time... and there finally came a point where I just had to stop, because I was getting so hurt, angry, whatever. Here I was, writhing next to him, so ready for our sexy night, trying to be coy and touch his thigh/whatever... and he just lays there. He doesn't touch me. He doesn't look at me. That's his standard sexy pose... laying still, not making noise, eyes closed.
I just feel so... invisible. And I KNOW that it is probably a mental issue on MY part.. Because, he got hard, we had sex, he came... so it wasn't like I didn't get what I wanted. And he DID touch me, say things to me, use words and stuff that I like... but.. I still just feel like it's a fucking chore to him.
I know it's not... and I have tried to tell him over and over again... I NEED ATTENTION. LOOK at me. Talk TO me. Fucking pay attention to me!!!
I feel like I want to wrap myself around his legs like a whiny toddler, and not let go until he promises to do it.
It terrifies me -- what I might do if I keep feeling this way.
See, then that's where I get angry at him again. WHY SHOULD I FEEL ASHAMED FOR SOMETHING 'I MIGHT DO', when it's something I wouldn't HAVE to do if he would just fucking pay attention to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doesn't that make me a horrible bit*h? Like I'm saying, it's HIS fault if I leave him, cheat on him, whatever. But... when you try every way you know to communicate to your spouse what you need... and they just can't seem to figure out what you want/ or don't care (it is starting to feel this way...)......
Yeah... don't mind me, just complaining about my marriage. With my husband who is trying his best to be what I need, to give me what I need. Yeah. Let me just wallow in some more self pity. Fucking great.
Ugh. Yeah. Just working through some shit.