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One Degree Of Crazy Or The Other...

So I was spending time with my in-laws this evening... dinner (delicious), and company.

I'm not sure what was said to make me feel this way... but I feel the need to rant a little... vent a little.. in a safe environment so that I won't hurt the ones I love.

When someone hasn't been through a traumatic event - abusive parents, volatile divorce perhaps, sexual assault... something that changes how you interact with the world. Makes you inherently -dysfunctional... you are constantly having to ignore the inner voice, and even if you feel like you've buried it, worked through it, FINALLY are done with it... it sometimes pops up and is just as horrible as the first time. Yes.. these instances become fewer and farther between.. and don't last as long. But they still gut punch you. You still feel the rug pulled out from under you - the freefall. You still feel reverted back to that emotional age. Even typing it, trying to put it into words... my stomach drops.. my throat gets all tingly, like I could cry... well... my man.. my lovie.. HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT. He has never lived through that.

I mean... yes, he has had difficulties. He has his own issues - everyone does. But he never had his parent abandon him, destroy his entire family... his world... at such a tender age. He never had his parent leave, move away, lie, seemingly give zero fucks about what his children wanted. We weren't stupid, we knew how to articulate our feelings to him, and we DID. Even when it was terrifying... right (or wrong) my mom made us kids tell him if we didn't want to see him. And we all went to therapy through the divorce, and me for years afterwards... But my husband has both his biological parents, still together, in his life. They both love him, support him, and have ALWAYS been right in his life/by his side... my mom was there... what we went through bonded her and us kids...

So I guess what I'm getting at is... I get really frustrated because he really doesn't understand when I talk about what I went through... or when I say things like, "I'm broken", or "I will always be hurt on the inside... even if it heals a little... it will never go away" he tells me that isn't true, he doesn't believe me. So he isn't trying to be mean.. he knows I am damaged, am hurt, and has enthusiastically encouraged me to get counseling now... he has been, as best he can, supportive and understanding of what I'm currently going through...

But he doesn't get it. HE DOESN'T. And he can't qualify it, explain it away, make it vanish, or "cure" it. I can't either... it's like I got my foot cut off... Yes I have a pretty good prosthetic foot.. and I can walk and function normally... but I have a stump. (Sorry if I offended anyone with a prosthetic foot!!)

I will never have two whole feet. I will never be whole. My husband operates in the world from a place of love, trust, acceptance, and overall tolerance - again, he does have his own demons/issues... but overall he had a supportive loving childhood.

I operate from a place of mistrust, constant anticipation and anxiety, fucked up sexuality and self-image and fixation on men... I can, and do, function very well. But I got married too young, I think... and I got married to someone better than me, someone who wasn't broken inside.

I don't know... I'm just frustrated. Maybe I'm just irritable because of the humidity... maybe I'm just irritable because summer vacation is almost here and I've been super stressed all year...

It just got to me, or it's getting to me...

Anyway, I know I'm lucky to have him. He is my best friend. He knows me, has seen me in my weakest moments. He challenges me to be better. He stands up to me when I need to be told to think rationally. He loves me through my crazy shit... he is himself, and he's still with me.

Remember that K-dog... remember that. Better yet. Go fucking tell him yourself how much you appreciate him.



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