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sm28's Blog

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I don't know what to do I'm so ashamed....I share a room with my 4 yr old niece and I'm always so scared to go to sleep because i don't want to wake her up if I have a nightmare....that is what just happened I woke up to her screaming and crying my name because I was having a nightmare she said I was crying and screaming "no stop"....I feel soo stupid rite now..my little sister (my nieces mom) she knows I was rapped but doesn't know everything that has happened to me....she had my niece sleep in her room for the rest of the night and since I woke everybody else in the house up I was forced to tell them what happened even tho I didn't want to..there not my family there my little sister's in laws I didn't want them to know because I know I'm going to be judged....now I'm sitting outside on the back deck feeling lost and exposed and dirty..why won't the nightmares stop people are always saying "in time you will heal" it's been almost 10yrs on June 21st will b 10yrs and it still isnt getting any better....


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I know how you feel. I don't have nightmares, but if my husband approaches me sexually, a lot of the time I will dissociate and revert to a five year old mute. Unable to talk, almost tunnel vision and tingling all over my body. I HATE seeing the despair, hurt and anger in his eyes. Thirty six years of marriage to a wonderful man, and I freeze up still. It has been fifty years since my abuse, very little of what my mind will allow me to remember, and I still can't let go. I don't have a choice, my subconscious won't release me. I hate it!

What our abusers did to us will remain with us in one way or another. I pray that you will find some peace. Always know that there is an army of survivors behind you!

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