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I Don't Want It.



I might go down to my mom's campground this coming weekend, Memorial Weekend.

If I think about it too long, my belly gets all.... filled with butterflies, gets upset. I get excited. Like I'm going on a date.

I'm NOT. I am NOT going on a fucking date with him. I am married to a man, a GOOD man. I hate him so much for being in my heart still.

I don't want to be.... excited at the prospect of seeing him. What kind of a masochist am I? Seriously, I am happy (aren't I?), loved, and supported.

Blah blah blah blah blah. I fucking hate him. I fucking hate that the memory of him, of what we had, is still making me feel like a inexperienced girl. That I LIKE feeling this way again. I've been waiting to feel this way again.

I'm sorry G, I'm so sorry you're with me... how could you still love me when I am letting my mind run free with these fantasies?

I hate myself right now. I hate P, but I hate myself more. He didn't put these thoughts in my head, I am the one letting myself go down these roads....

I just wish I didn't have to deal with this. I want to see my mom/sisters next weekend... but I really don't want to be around him at all.

Not only because I hate him, but because I am scared of myself being around him...


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