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Rage, Self Loathing, Frustration... Yuck.



I think I dreamt about him last night.

I'm just really frustrated at myself. Like... now that I'm finally FINALLY able to view my.... past (I wanted so bad to write "relationship") for what it actually was - coercion, using his age and counting on me already being half in love with him. I am just now, like 12 years after I even gave him more than a passing thought... and now suddenly it's like, he's all I can think about.

I hate that I find myself wondering if he thinks of me. That since he sent me a facebook friend request, he had to look at a picture of me, and read my name. What do I mean to him? He means so much to me - I don't want him to, but he does. I hate that I might not register as anything more than a tiny blip on his radar. Some slutty girl who was easy, who he got off with... Does he even remember the way we used to meet up after we "hung out" with the larger group?

Does he remember ignoring me, flirting with other girls, hurting me with every smile, every comment, every glance that wasn't given to ME.... but then finding me ready and willing later?

Why do I care if he remembers? Why do I care AT ALL?!?!

I guess I am just.... floundering. I've been journaling a lot - but a lot of it disturbs me, and seems really inappropriate for this forum, for anyone to read. I want to express this stuff... but I feel so shameful to talk about it.

Blah blah blah. I was listening to Maroon5 yesterday.... it was speaking to me. This song especially -


I'm full of regret

For all things that I've done and said

And I don't know if it'll ever be ok to show

My face 'round here

Sometimes I wonder if I disappear

Would you ever turn your head and look

See if I'm gone

Cause I fear

There is nothing left to say to you

That you wanna hear

That you wanna know

I think I should go

The things I've done are way too shameful

Your just innocent

A helpless victim of a spider's web

And I'm an insect

Goin after anything that I can get

So you better turn your head and run

And don't look back

Cause I fear

There is nothing left to say

To you

That you wanna hear

That you wanna know

I think I should go

The things I've done are way too shameful


And I've done you so wrong

Treated you bad

Strung you along

Oh shame on myself

I don't know how I got so tangled up


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