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So, I'm trying to work through why I am like I am... is there something broken inside that led to this? Am I a perverted person? Is it wrong to be perverted? I feel like the right answer to that has to be YES. Good people aren't like this, proper, respectable people don't think these thoughts, have these desires. It's gross, I feel gross, because then by that logic... I AM wrong. Bad.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say either.... so I guess I'll just go right into it... TW/GRAPHIC - you really don't have to keep reading.

So like, ever since I knew what my parts were for, I was masturbating. I used all kinds of things, really anything that got me off. Bathtub, toothbrush and hairbrush handles, couches, backs of chairs, decorative glass bottles... and as often as I could get away with it.

Again, that *get away with it*.... am I truly disgusting for being into masturbation? I walk a constant line of I think the thought, get turned on, feel shame, repeat.

Then I discovered the internet and flirting online - nothing serious, I never was brave enough. Then boys started paying attention to me.... the dates are all so confusing, my teen years are all jumbled... Let me work through this...

First "boyfriend" - 5th grade, Jarrod. We went on a date (with my family) and we got "married" on the playground. Not even hand holding.

Then middle school (7th and 8th grade?) Brett. We held hands on the bus to Cedar Point, then we talked about it on AIM afterwards - sweet, innocent, and we actually kissed too! After being dared by friends, of course!

So this is where it gets fuzzy... because I know this is when P and I first started interacting... or were we always? It seems like I remember being so young and having this older boy fawn over me. But when?

P. He was my first real sexual encounter with a boy. I loved it - I think. I mean, I clearly remember him telling me "I love how you're shaking" (right now I hear him whispering that to me, and I feel warm - I hate myself) he touched my breasts and maybe fingered me, and it was the first time I felt a penis.

Daniel - (but I honestly don't remember if he was before or after P....) we dated, we would go to the church's baseball field behind my house and make out. Dry hump, fingering and handjobs... he asked me for sex once, but I said no, and he never pushed. Why didn't I let him? (that's why I sometimes think it was before I was with P) - We also used my old elementary school playground as a secluded spot to mess around. Oh, it must have been 9th or 10th grade because I could drive and I would drive him home sometimes. So that was after I had had sex with P. Why didn't I let Daniel?

Chris. Very sweet, and never pressured me. He was also older, but truly a gentleman. He had had sex before (I think) but he let me set the pace and wouldn't push. He offered stuff, he offered once to eat me out (in a teasing/off hand way) but I didn't get it at the time, and he sensed my inexperience and it never happened. I get it now.

P. Letting P have sex with me on the night of Chris' dad's funeral. How much I despise that I was there. Did I let it happen? Didn't I know what an erect penis would do if it was near my vagina? But still, "somehow" it happened. Immediately afterwards I went upstairs and cried/puked. But didn't I also like it? Did I? I don't remember... Also don't remember exact dates, but also had a series of encounters with P. No relationship - just fuck buddies I guess. I sure wanted him to love me, be my boyfriend, marry me like he said he would. Not sure when/how that ended...but eventually it did.

This is where I feel like I just... slept with anyone who would sleep with me. It's just a cycle of - date a guy who'll fuck me, fuck some guy for fun, use a guy friend who was really kind for sexual encounters with no real intentions, attempt and be rejected by other male friends for sex... I honestly can't remember who came before who... so I'm just going to do my best to go through them...

Chris2 - Actually respected me and tried to love me. I used him. Let him finger me and get me off, but not actually date him. I feel really shitty about this... he was genuinely a nice guy, and I feel really bad about leading him on and using him like that. I burned a bridge there.

Nick - Also used him for sex. I didn't ever actually LIKE him. He was annoying, immature, and frankly... a little stupid. He was willing to mess around with me, though, and had a nice body. So that whole thing was pretty much me using him for sex, maybe he thought we were dating - I didn't really care.

Campground guy - I don't even remember his name... but I met him at my mom's campground, hung out all night around a fire with him... and the next morning flashed my panties at him and his friend on the swing by the river. We exchanged numbers, and I drove 2 hours to visit him on three or four occasions (he never drove to see me, I just realized... what a fucking dummy I am). We watched porn together, we got eachother off orally and with our hands. We did stuff while his friend (the one I flashed) and his girlfriend did stuff - had sex? - on the other end of the basement. I clearly remember his friend commenting on how he liked how loud I was. I feel sick that I am almost proud of being like that... and still kinda like it? Don't know why that ended... but I do also remember once leaving his house at like 4am after his mom called down the basement stairs "Campground guy, it's time for your friend to go home." Your friend. Ha.

Warren - younger than me. Inexperienced, afraid to even let me touch his naked penis or see it. Believe me, I tried. Lots of phone sex, parking behind the old school to make him cum in his pants. His mom hated me, or at least I felt like she hated me. I broke up with him after a while... Looking back... I wonder if I dumped him because he wouldn't have sex...

Ryan - I really liked him. He was just the right amount of physically attractive, aloof/di*k, sensitive, and dangerous. He had a utility van, and we would fuck in the back of it all the time. We went on dates too, but I was always fast forwarding in my head to being dominated by this guy. I remember setting up an elaborate lie so one weekend when my family was up at the campground, we stayed at our other house alone. I went to Germany that summer as an exchange student.... sidestory - I got drunk at the disco one night in Berlin, and one of the other US boys, Kurt, came back to my hotel room with a US girl, Tracy. We got in bed and started making out... did I make out with Tracy? If I did, I let her do most the work... I wasn't/am not into girls... Maybe she left at some point? But I know I jacked Kurt off and he fingered me. It ended when another student came in the room and was like, "Mr P says everyone has to go to their own rooms!". I'm terrible. Nothing more after that. I came back to the US, and Ryan dumped me the next day. Ironically, or was it karma, he had cheated on me while I was gone with an ex girlfriend, and he was getting back with her.

Café Guy - Another one whose name I don't exactly recall...I met him at a café in highschool listening to a local band play. He showed interest, which meant I was all about it. We left the café and found a path in the woods (how fucking stupid can I be). We went in the bushes and made out with some heavy petting. He broke my bra in his efforts to get it off, and I left it in the woods. I don't remember what friend it was, but some friend admonished me about leaving with him that night. Then we started "dating", or at least he wanted to be dating. He was nuts. His family was extremely religious, and he was constantly asking me to attend church with him. I found it weird how he was so religious, but not above having a quickie (and I do mean quickie..) in his parent's house. We also were messing around in his car in the church nextdoor to my house and a cop was called on us. The cop made him get in the cop car. He said Café Guy said I was his girlfriend, and was I? I didn't want to get anyone in trouble, and I was mortified, so I said I was, even though I didn't consider myself that, or call myself that. The cop asked where I lived, and I said nextdoor... He chastised me, told me to go home. Let us off with a warning I guess. I couldn't let café guy into my house seeing as my siblings were home, but it was summer, so we fucked in the backyard on the trampoline. I ended up basically telling him to fuck off and leave me alone- that we weren't dating and I didn't like him. I feel bad because I used him for sex, and then ditched him when he wasn't getting me off anymore.

And then there was my G. I knew I was going to this college, and a friend offered to have me come visit him. You know, check it out. SIDEBAR - is it interesting that this friend was best friends with P growing up? Does that matter at all? - So my best friend came with me, and we three were hanging in a hotel room. My friend suggests we call his friend G to hang with us. We call him up, go to his house to meet him, and he comes to the hotel room later. Of course we were drinking, I don't really remember who started hitting on who, but I'm sure it was me. I basically threw myself at him until he relented and had sex with me. But I had to convince him, he was very apprehensive of having sex, but in the end I got what I wanted. I immediately pursued G, and we started dating, and we've been married 7 years.

Looking through this, having actually had to stop, rewrite, think back, rewrite... I am realizing how intertwined my natural(?) sexual urges were fucked by being used by P. Like... instead of just being a super sexually driven woman and being healthy in that... I feel disgusting for being that. I still enjoy sex, masturbating, fantasizing, reading erotic literature sometimes online. But there is always this underlying shame in it all.

Then I get scared. I've almost been married a decade, and I've never been with one guy for this long.

Recently G and I met some poly people. They were fun, different, exciting. Their "leader" - why didn't I see how fucking despicable he was- took an interest in me. Commenting on my body, lingering hugs, flirty texts hinting at a dom/sub thing. Basically inviting us to play with them. G wanted nothing to do with that. He let the leader do his flirty shit because he knew I wanted it. I feel like such a shitty human being for putting him through that - for having the audacity to do it and know that if our roles were reversed, I would raise holy hell. It's terribly unfair to him, yet he still loves me. We ended our "friendship" with them when their creepiness and cultish vibe, and utter toxic controlling leader showed his true colors. You know, telling me that if a woman was elected president, we were basically asking for terrorist attacks(the fuck?) and telling me he was sorry I didn't love myself enough to wear high heals, revealing clothes, and do my makeup and hair. Again, the tangled web where he acted just like my father - why didn't I see it? Ah... because he was offering sexual attention.

I don't know if this forum is the right place for this. I don't even know what I want to get out of writing this. I just want to live free of shame. I don't want to hurt my husband or disrespect him and our relationship. But I am sexually frustrated and I'm nervous about it. I'm scared of myself.

I'm sorry... if you read this, I understand if you find me gross. I kinda feel gross right now. Plus now P is back, so I'm remembering our trysts (did I just call them trysts?!)... not that I didn't before... but before it was in the past, so I felt safer looking through the window of time. Why can't I just be me and be ok being me? I don't want to be ashamed, but I can't stop these thoughts/fantasies.


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