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As of lately I feel more and more out of control.


As if I can't get use to being safe. Its been 16 months since I've been away from all of the abuse and all I keep doing is wanting to go back to it. I feel as if I'm completely crazy. Or am I just so damaged that all my life can consist of is abuse to feel normal.. Some days I feel like a large part of me is missing because I'm no longer being abused.

I'm unable to do anything anymore without second guessing myself. And I'm also finding myself wishing for someone to hit me or something. I mean what kind of sane person wants to go back to that abuse???

I was abused from the age of four (at least that is my earliest memory) till I was nineteen. Whats worse, at least in my eyes, is that it was multiple people (family, family friends, strangers..)

and never once was i discovered. My entire existence slipped through the cracks. The two time CPS (child protective services) did get involved they dropped my case.

First time was when I was maybe four or five, my bio mom (I will call her Lee), refused to allow them to talk to me. Now i don't know about everyone else in the world, but to me that would seem very odd to me and i would NOT just drop the case. But they did, so i never got help at the age. Had I been helped then I would have went through a whole lot less then I did.

The second time I was in high school. It was my senior year, October or November maybe, and CPS got called again due to a flashback I had had that I written down to try to keep myself grounded being found :oops: . Well this caused a huge uproar. At the time I lived with my bio-father (who I will call Tim) and he was a very well known and highly respected man. You see he lived in a very small town where everyone knows your name. He was a Registered Nurse Practitioner whom ran a branch of a home health care services. So every one looked up to him and held him in high regards. He had only lived there for seven maybe eight years but his wife (whom i will call Jen) had grown up in this town her entire life. So when the police officer got to the school I was left alone with him. He proceeded to handcuff me and slam me against the wall exclaiming i better recant my "lies" or he would arrest me for making a false report. So of course I did. This how ever was not the end of it, when I got home I had been screamed at by Jen, and then screamed and beat by Lee and Tim.. I learned then that I was going to remain a "family secret" from then on out.. :sadang:

That is only mild for me, for what I have suffered. But in the end I still miss it. And to me that makes me feel like I'm maybe asking for it and that maybe I deserved what I got. So all I want to do is apologize all the time for whatever it is I did to deserve all this.. :sor:


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I am sorry you were lost in the cracks. No one ever deserves abuse or to be left in it.

I can relate to the feelings you are having about going back to it. I felt like I deserved it and asked for it because I felt lost when it was gone. I have learned that those feelings are really about our instincts. We survived and learned to recognize the cycles of violence. When the abuse ended, I felt tension about the situation and that triggered feelings that the abuse was about to happen again. I just wanted it to get over with so the tension would go away. With the abuse gone, i was stuck in those feelings. It takes time and help to let go of the tension and not anticipate the abuse and understand what safe feels like.

The abuse you suffered is not your fault. No child deserves or asks for it. You are a survivor.

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Thank you for responding. And even though i hate that you had to go through abuse, I'm glad someone else can understand what I am saying. It's hard to stay in this safe environment for me. It feels like even when I am happy and OK, I'm still in this flight mode and that I'm just waiting for it to happen again and in some very unusual ways that I don't understand I miss the abuse.

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