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Sadness. (Possibly Triggering)



I don't know that I want an answer. No, that's wrong, I definitely do. I want to be heard. I've been holding a lot inside, but I do want to be heard. That bastard....Campus rape. My first semester. Nothing ever seems to go right for me, as soon as I endeavor on something new I always get my heart ripped out and stomped on. I should report him. I COULD report him. I could make him pay for what he did. I wish I wasn't so scared. So scared of what might happen if I open my mouth. I don't know how i'm going to feel okay. Ever. will...I?

Knowing that he's out there and free and not knowing what damage he may have caused me. I know that I'll be spending years thinking about this. Months of sadness, wasting my time reliving the fears in my mind. I can't even sit here alone in my room and feel okay.

THAT BASTARD. How can you sleep at night? Oh how I hope you are rewarded for my misfortune you son of a bit*h.

I want to heal. So badly. I was healing, finally, I was finally healing from the abuse that started my freshman year of high school.

This is history repeating itself. Is it not. Have I not suffered enough in my life? And to think that you were someone I once confided in.

You knew all the gory details. You knew my pain. You are really something aren't you. I will never understand how this world is filled with so much evil. I will never understand why rape is so common. So dreadfully common. No one ever lives without it touching someone they care about, know about, or themselves. I'm so angry. But i'm also very hurt. I'm hurting so badly,

was this what you wanted? to cause me a lifetime of misery for a few moments of your own selfish, twisted pleasure

you men that do these things are freaks. How dare you. How dare you defile us. How dare you lay hands on us and make meal of our flesh. How self entitled can you be, what makes you think this is okay? God, If I could eliminate the evils of this world you must know that I would have made rape one of them. I would have put rape on that commandment list, I would have drawn it in permanent marker, chiseled it in mountainsides, I would have made Moses move mountains, Put it on the pinnacle of the earth and forced the whole world to see it's own wickedness. The dogs that we call men would never go a day without that slap to their faces.

I would make colors to describe the anguish we must feel. I would come up with words, poems, literature specifically for the world to understand why this should NEVER happen to anyone for any reason. Oh how sick. How sick you are world. One day I hope that hell is real just to watch the wicked burn. I would love to smite the earth myself sometimes

But when all is lost I remember that there is still hope

There is still reason to believe in love and miracles

God I wish I could get his smug face out of my mind

His cruel laugh is ringing in my ears

I am dishearted, and I hate the fact you even exist. How could such a loving God allow such evil to reside within you, or are you the darkness? I am not so certain of anything, You call yourself a Christian but all you have managed is to persecute me, I swear on my life that I will find a way to overcome the things you say and have done, but I will never ever fully disentangle myself from you.

You gave intimacy a bad name.


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