I haven't been here in awhile. I've been feeling so lost, though, that I felt I needed to come, even if just to read, to remind myself that I am not alone. I sure do feel alone, almost all the time now. The funny thing about that is, though, that I dread going out. Anywhere. I am ashamed of my body, I feel like people are staring. So, I stay inside. I live alone, so it's easy to isolate. I order what I need online, even though it is a bit more expensive than going to a regular store.
I wonder what is happening to me. I wonder why I crave affection and interaction with others, but at the same time I am terrified of reaching out. Maybe I am destined to remain alone. Maybe that is who I am, who I am supposed to be. A freak no one wants around. I don't even love myself. How would anyone else ever love me? Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. I wish I knew. I wish I had the answers. Until I find them, I just exist, going through the motions, with my deep, dark pain and depression as my only companions.