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Just More Rambling...



I haven't been here in awhile. I've been feeling so lost, though, that I felt I needed to come, even if just to read, to remind myself that I am not alone. I sure do feel alone, almost all the time now. The funny thing about that is, though, that I dread going out. Anywhere. I am ashamed of my body, I feel like people are staring. So, I stay inside. I live alone, so it's easy to isolate. I order what I need online, even though it is a bit more expensive than going to a regular store.

I wonder what is happening to me. I wonder why I crave affection and interaction with others, but at the same time I am terrified of reaching out. Maybe I am destined to remain alone. Maybe that is who I am, who I am supposed to be. A freak no one wants around. I don't even love myself. How would anyone else ever love me? Maybe this is how it is supposed to be. I wish I knew. I wish I had the answers. Until I find them, I just exist, going through the motions, with my deep, dark pain and depression as my only companions.


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I feel the same way when I go out. I hate to be stared at. Hate it. Even if I find the person attractive. And EYEING ME UP AND DOWN ? uGGH! I try to almost run from point a to b extremely fast just to avoid it

I don't think you have to be in the same room with someone to give them company.

Craving affection and interaction is a good thing. You reading this is an act of interaction... and that's a start. That was so corny lol.

But seriously. I feel you. I plan on posting some good humor blogs just to give a good mind getaway.

But I really don't think your destined to be alone. No one is.

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I feel that way some times too. Yesterday day a girl was sitting next to me and I felt like I couldn't breathe but I forced myself to just stay calm.it will be OK just keep trying

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