i am in a self destruct mode and i cant seem to get out of it. i gamble excessively to avoid going home because i am afraid of my husband who is a loving, kind and attentive man. I smoke to destroy what is left of my lungs and heart and i over eat to avoid any other feelings. i refuse to sleep when i need to rest and i deny myself simple basic needs like a haircut or a coat. I've made my last attempt to get into counseling and change my ways before i destroy myself and my family. Appointments keep getting pushed back or cancelled. when i try to explain that i am going to give up they just make another appointment. ive told my md that i am suicidal, depressed and have issues with sa and dv. they note it and nothing more is said or done. i used to keep all of this a secret because i didnt want to be judged as weak. now i realize no one gives a care anyway so why keep it all to myself?