I'm in that "go away closer" mode where I need a hug and someone to make me feel safe and yet I won't let anyone in close enough to do anything like that. I feel like I don't deserve any love, respect or protection but also feel like I would do better if I had some. I am fighting depression and the need to just simply fall out of existence. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and fighting to be and have and i'm tired of not making it quite as far as I had hoped. To counteract this, I am doing a little more volunteer work and trying to make someone else's life easier. Maybe it will help me feel better. It will definitely help me stay out of my addictions. Maybe it will bring a little ease to someone else that feels as bad or worse than me. What it won't do is help my marriage. He feels like his time off is his time with me and I need to focus on him during those times. Unfortunately, those are also the times I work and sometimes when I need to volunteer.

I'm afraid of him sometimes.