ImScared's Blog

Wow, that was huge, wish, wish I could do that, I have a wonderful gentle fella he never ever pushes and lets me go at my own pace but I found even having him near me far too triggering and have pushed and pushed him away, until there are now only phone calls and then it is me that does them, I told him he's not to phone me, but he is still there, bless him.

He knows my history, in fact he is the only one that really knows bar on here. He doesn't know about my insiders and that is what I am keeping him at bay for as they have started to make their presence felt and I am scared one of them will hurt him.

Hope this aorks out for you.

Thank you so much for the support....I battle myself some days between being ok with having a 2 night stand and being reckless. I was raised to save yourself for marriage. I did that and it wasn't a good relationship. This was an impulsive act....I haven't figured out if my others were there but they did put the app on my phone. (I'm so glad that you understand that part) This experience was all about sex only. We did talk a bit but for the most part...we had sex. For me, it was like losing my virginity all over again but this time when I said stop he did. I pushed myself to get through it, because if I didn't I would never know anything but the past. Like I said, he was so gentle. If I flinched, he stopped and asked me if I wanted to continue. Let's say that I had some issues....but instead of telling me that I made a mess and to clean it up.....he came to me and asked if I was ok. Was I hurt? It was so different. These are the memories that I needed to replace the ugly memories. I hope that you can experience this with your friend someday because it is worth it. I have a few friends that know about my others and they ignore them when they get ugly. Maybe try baby steps with your friend.....and it will calm them? I do hope that you can find some peace and enjoy your friend. I really hope that you can find peace. Have a nice day =)

There is always hope and not all men are abusers. I truly hope you find someone who will accept you for you and your past, be understanding and patient.

Thank you for responding.....I don't believe in love. I just hope that I can try to be normal and have a healthy sex life, does that make sense? Both of the men I have been with since my ex have been kind. They stop when I say stop....it's so weird for me to have that happen. Sometimes, I just say it to see if it works. It did with both of these men but there has been another guy who didn't stop but we weren't having sex. Did you find someone? The second guy lets me text him. I don't know what we call what we have but I'm trying to learn.