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First Entry...random Thought Dump *possible Triggers*


PurpleSun

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I'm a complete hermit. I am almost afraid to leave my apartment. I dread it. I work from home, so I don't have to go anywhere if I don't want, except to the grocery store and to pay my rent. I hate it. I want to have friends, see other people. But I am so afraid they see right through me. I hate being me so much. I am in such a dark place right now, and I don't know how to get out. I cannot afford a therapist, so I signed up here. There are so many things I am struggling with, I don't even know where to start, so I won't right now. I guess I just needed to say how much I am hurting.

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I understand how you feel about people "seeing right through you" completely. I feel like I have labels all over me for everyone to see. But I know that people just see the same you as they did before, if you haven't shared your story with them. I found it really helpful to spend some time with a friend who I haven't told, just hanging out and listening to music with him. It made me feel normal.

Have you tried writing in a journal?

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I understand the feeling of being nervous of what other people think, but it is important to remember that no one is perfect. Do not be afraid to move forward just because of what other people might think of you. There is not a label written across your face saying what has happened in your past so meeting new people is a great way of starting a new beginning. Meeting new people will give you an opportunity to tell your own story and if there are aspects that you do not want to share then you do not have to. I tend to write out the pros and cons of a situation to help myself see what direction I should go in next. If you are interested and have the time I would make lists of things you would like to do but you are nervous to pursue those things and then make a list of why you should and why you shouldn't engage in those activities. I think you will find there are a lot more pros then cons and this will help you not feel so much like a "hermit" and will empower you to go out and meet new people. I am glad you joined this group and I hope you find this group to be motivating for you.

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This is similar advice to what my therapist gave me when I told her I was struggling with who/how many people to tell. She said if it would give me a benefit greater than the cost of telling my story and who they may tell, then to go ahead and tell them.

I really have seen the benefit of not everyone knowing, though. The other day I spent time with a friend of mine who I just recently met, so he doesn't know. We just sat listening to music and talking, and it was such a relief to not have to talk about my experience and still be treated the same way. :)

I definitely won't let HIM take any more from me than he already has. I cannot live a life alone or in fear.

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I understand how you feel about people "seeing right through you" completely. I feel like I have labels all over me for everyone to see. But I know that people just see the same you as they did before, if you haven't shared your story with them. I found it really helpful to spend some time with a friend who I haven't told, just hanging out and listening to music with him. It made me feel normal.

Have you tried writing in a journal?

I actually write all the time. I'm a professional web writer, and I write for pleasure as well. I know it doesn't seem like it with this entry, but writing is my one true passion, and I can actually be quite good at it. So, yes, I journal. I am just having a hard time verbalizing where my feelings of fear, depression,etc are coming from and why I am having them.

Thanks for understanding, and responding. I hope you're right- that people just see me, and not my painful past.

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I understand you not wanting to leave the place you feel safest. I'm the same way. Mine isn't because I'm afraid others will see through my facade, it's the feeling that I can't control things that could happen outside my safety zone. I have to plan days ahead just to go to the store, and any small things that changes that plan that I've worked over 1000 times in my head, really throws me for a loop. But as I'm typing this I see some of what your saying in me also. I avoid get togethers, social events, and the like not sure if its because im afraid of being judged or that it is just too draining trying to keep up the walls I built to protect my secrets. It's exhausting. And I end up not having a very good time because I spent the whole time, questioning and rethinking my every move, like I'm playing a game of chess.

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