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snow is falling and the work continues. for some reason it is easier to get outside and do things when the weather is harsh like this. i think it feels safer for me knowing that fewer people will be out in it and i can have the time to myself. not wanting to self harm so much today although i do feel a need to punish myself in a way that is more self sacrificing than anything. ive enjoyed the time with my husband. we get along great as friends and partners in life and that makes things easier. im almost calm enough to start thinking about doing tasks again like i should have been doing all along. i wasnt far from giving up on life a week ago. at least now i can hear more than that voice in my head.

winter is hard in that most of the memories flood back at that time. he comes by more often in the winter and does things i can never say to someone else. i hate him and i look forward to the day he goes to sleep one last time.


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