i wonder what would have been different in my life if i had been more 'normal.'

would i sleep at night and worry about the simple things in life?

would i wear things that make me feel attractive?

would i have ever been in a lesbian relationship, not being afraid of men?

would i have been so concerned about the lives of others?

would i love my animals as much?

would i be healthier?

would i be happier?

would i have faith in god?

would i be more or less successful?

would i have still gone into law enforcement?

would i still be a dv/sa advocate?

people say 'im sorry' when they hear things about my life but response has always been, "it's ok. it made me who i am and i like me." as nice as that sounds, it is an opportunity for them to not feel sorry for me and to let them off the hook. it's not true that its ok. it wasnt ok then and its not ok now. half of my life went to being trained for being used and surviving. i should have been training for surviving nasa or med school. people like us cant enjoy the flowers because we are too busy looking for the snakes in the grass.

if i would have been 'normal' i think i would have smiled and laughed and been a typical kid and probably a very successful adult. i may not have been an advocate or a cop but i would have been someone who cared about something in the world bigger than me. i would have cared because i could have seen the beauty of the world and wanted to keep it. i would have been someone who contributes something to this world and actually wanted to stay in it.