ive spent some time thinking about what has been going on in my head and i think i can see some of the triggers im having.
when i get ready to go anywhere, my husband has this habit of cornering me and blocking my exit. he is much larger and stronger than i am and i feel like i did when my stepfather trapped me in rooms and wouldnt let me out until i paid his toll. even now i make myself 'pay' in advance to get out when i want to go. it feels sickening to think about why i do it. i love him and he is a good man and it would probably tear him apart to know how i feel with his behavior and with my response. i dont compare him to the men who have done things to me. there are just some things that trigger a flood of emotion and memories and sometimes those things cant be avoided.
i swear if i dont get some sleep soon, i may just lose it. an hour here or there with spatterings of nightmares and pain. i feel like peeling my hide off of my bones to crawl away and hide to get some rest. i really hate being inside this skin right now. if i could just step out of it for a while and be someone no one recognizes or needs. i need to be curled up with my dog and just sleep until i cant do it anymore. god, im tired.