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Just Emotional

crisxo

Entry posted by crisxo ·

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So, this is just from a topic I started, but felt I needed to move it here, to my blog. I've decided, I am going to start using this, as I discovered, I like being able to write about things. Well, type. I figure most people won't read this so it feels a little safe but also like I'm able to put my feelings out there, without actually putting them out there and effect people irl. Basically I feel a little anonymous and I don't think I can handle talking about this in real life. However, I'm hoping it will effect me in some positive way. I tend to keep my emotions inside, sure I have my breakdowns. But I never really say what's on my mind. Or when I do, I feel like I'm not understood, and while I am thankful for the support I have from my Mother in particular, I can't help feeling alone. I feel like my Mom supports me 100 percent, but since my abuser was my older brother she is conflicted and I almost feel guilty for it. I don't know why, because I didn't do anything wrong, but I feel it.

Anyway, here is the Topic I was originally talking about. I'll keep it the way it was when I last updated it.

As some of you may have read, the other day my younger 12 year old brother grabbed my breast without warning and definitely without permission. I was shocked, disgusted, confused, embarrassed, you name it. Anyways it was extremely triggering for me (my older brother used to abuse me). My mom knows about my older brother and I told her practically immediately about what happened the other day. My cousin was here at the time, hanging out with my younger brother, so she said she would have a talk as soon as our cousin left. Well... here we are and she is just f*cking sitting here like nothing happened. My cousin has been gone, my brother is just in his room playing video games as if nothing happened. I've gotten no real apology and I am beyond livid.

EDIT: Okay I'm an idiot and feel horribly for assuming, but she did talk to him. But he seems to not have any sort of punishment for it. He hasn't said he was sorry, she hasn't told me how it went, nothing. I feel bad for assuming, but maybe there's nothing in this situation that will "satisfy" me. He gets a normal, "that's not right to do" talking to and I'm just supposed to move on like it was a normal brother-sister feud. And that's it. I don't get it, I don't know how to handle this. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin or home, yet again.

EDIT: Lately I experience more rage. I mean on this scale. I don't feel like I would hurt anyone, it's nothing like that, but it's emotionally draining. I am used to always feeling more sad and depressed at times. But I'm still just keeping it inside, the main reason I am typing here, because it's like I can get my feelings out, without completely putting them out there in real life. I kind of want to delete this, as it should of been a blog post... but I think saying this and reading it myself is a good thing... idk.

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justonemore

I can relate to your frustration, when I finally told my mother about the uncle that had abused me and, finally, my younger sister for years it was as thought she didn't know how to react. I know she spoke to her sister (the uncle's wife) because she confronted me and actually said it was my fault, if it actually ever happened at all. Nothing ever happened to the uncle--no arrest, no repercussions at all. No one ever mentioned it again. Maybe that's why I never told anyone about the several abusers that would come later.

The day that uncle died of a heart attack my mother called to tell me the news and sounded like she expected me to be happy--I wasn't. I didn't feel anything. As adults my sister and I have talked some about the uncle--she with intense hatred for him and I have no feeling about him whatsoever even though I believe his actions began something in me that has poisoned my entire life since. I'm hoping when I start therapy next month it will begin the healing. If you can, maybe you should talk to your mother again and tell her how you're feeling--let her know and maybe she can help. Maybe she can get you to a therapist to help deal with the feelings of rage and depression. Those are normal reactions to what happened but, take my word for it, bottling them up will do more harm.

Sorry for the rambling response, I believe you did the right thing and I believe you have the strength to do whatever it is you need to do to heal.

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