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Angry With My Ex

crisxo

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I don't think my ex boyfriend is a horrible-demon person, but he has hurt me in the past. He's 4 years older than me and I was 15- nearly 16 when we started dating. It was fine, sure there are things I regret, like drinking and drugs, but overall we treated each other great. As great as that kind of relationship goes. Anyways. A few months into are relationship, I got pregnant, with our now 3 year old, beautiful boy. Just coming to terms with being a pregnant teenager, who never could do anything right, could be a post of its own. But that's not what this is about.

At first, after the shock and acceptance, things were great. We were planning on doing our best and staying with each other. Even now I am so grateful for my son, he is like my own personal savior. Anyways, time went on and he was clearly not ready, nor did it feel like he wanted to be ready. We started arguing all the time, over him not having any motivation, always going out, chatting up other girls, etc. We got passed it, well I just tried to ignore it really. And after I finally gave birth, things got worse. I had thought once he was here, my ex would change.

We got our first, crappy little apartment a couple weeks before our son was born and he moved in first to get it ready while I wanted to stay with my mom for the first week or so. Things were great, although I was far too busy nursing every couple hours and changing the scariest poop diapers I'd ever seen, to really worry about our relationship. But sure enough, once we were all in the same home, he would have friends over constantly. There were always parties, while I sat alone with our son in our room with the door shut. Anytime I tried to talk, it would go nowhere. I started feeling like I was the crazy one. At this point I started having a hard time, wanting to devote all my time to being the best mom I could be, but still loving and wanting my boyfriend to love and want me. Time went on, we fought. And one day I learned he was cheating on me, I still don't know if they ever had sex while we were in a committed relationship, but in my heart I still felt betrayed. Crazy things happened, we broke up, got back together, etc etc.

Time moved on yet again, thinking we were passed all of that. But sure enough he was still talking to girls, while I felt ugly, lonely, etc etc. And he was mean to me and manipultive. Always using the fact that I was madly "in love" against me. Now though, I wouldn't call it love. One day after countless arguments, and history repeating itself, I finally said "fuck you" and ended it. He begged, but I HAD to be strong. Not only for me, but for my son. My boy didn't deserve to grow up in an unhappy home. So that was that, we would co-parent and move on with our lives. However this brought a whole new set of issues. He was extremely absent, and there were times I questioned if he even loved our son. I put my foot down eventually and he got "better". I just desperately wanted my son to have a good relationship with his dad, because neither of us have solid relationships with our own.

(trigger warning)

Here's where it gets darker. In the mix of all this chaos, after we had officially ended it, he asked to stay with my family and I. It was only going to be for a couple weeks, etc. Me being who I am, and my mom wanting me to be happy, we said ok. At the time I was talking to a boy online. It wasn't serious but it was fun and something I'd never really done before. I was happy, I was out of that toxic relationship and I realized there are good people out there. Well one night my ex tried to full around with me and I told him no over and over. Even after knowing what I had been through in the past... That's when it happened. It wasn't violent, it wasn't loud, none of that. It was just like when I was younger and my older brother would abuse me. I couldn't do anything but cry. He held me down and that was that. After he just said "sorry" all while our baby was sound asleep next to me. Even now I don't think he sees it as rape. That hurts me. I couldn't tell anyone... I couldn't believe this was happening again. I couldn't look at myself. Why didn't I fight back, what was I so scared of? I've never told a soul before I signed up here. I don't know if I could ever tell someone close to me.

It's been about a year and a half since then. He started dating someone and we both moved on with our lives while trying to co-parent. However, I still have this resentment and anger towards him. And the fact that even now, when our son will be turning 4 this year, he still lacks motivation. He doesn't seem to care and for some reason I let him off. I do know he loves his son now, and I do see improvement... But I'm done being quiet and patient. If it weren't for my family, idk where my son and I would be. I am desperatly trying to get my life together, so I can move forward and be successful and I don't see the same with him.

To top it off, his girlfriend is pregnant now and I can't help feel betrayed. I won't hold any resentment towards the baby or deprive our son of his brother or sister, but I am hurt. I won't make a scene, I won't go crazy, because that isn't fair to his girlfriend or their baby. But he can't even afford to help me by clothes or get him on insurence or do anything and now he and his side of the family are going to be all over this new baby and it's already like my son and I don't exist.

I'm frustrated.



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