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Waiting 'till The Wedding Rant (Big T W)


CopperPhoenix

1,080 views

Skye here. One of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and will heed them.

*****This post carries a lot of Trigger Warnings, including CSA, and religion. You have been warned*****

I just saw a bit on TV about some idiotic little starlet who is publicly announcing her plan to remain a virgin until her wedding night. She flaunted her credentials as a Christian and the values her (too-exposed reality TV show) family. She posted a list of tips on her blog...cute, really. She says to stay out of your boyfriend's bedroom, and keep him out of yours. Because "All alone in a bedroom with the door closed and just the two of you? Nothing good can come of that!"

No fucking shit, Sherlock. If you don't want sexy-time to happen, it is generally considered wise to stay out of private spaces with an attractive member of the opposite sex. Or the same, if you roll that way...but this little featherhead's family frowns on homosexuality. It goes against the aforementioned "family values." Funny, her daddy opposes same-sex unions, but he was fine with his little girl gyrating on the stage of Dancing With the Stars.

*deep breath* Not now, Skye. This is not the blog for that rant. Bi or not, this particular post runs deeper.

Even if I had not had consentual sex with a partner or two, I could never claim to be "pure" for my wedding night. The body I reside in was first penetrated long before it hit puberty. And not to be too graphic, but even barring the partners I chose...well. There is no way I can even dream of calling myself, this body, a virgin. If it can be done sexually, it has probably done to this lump of flesh. Rule 34, made literal.

Those in this body had no choice about it. Fighting earned pain at best...and the worst doesn't bear thinking about.

So we learned to comply, to be "good girls" and to please the people we were told to please. We split and split and split again, just to endure the violence and perversion that was our day to day life.

At the moment, nobody in our System is interested in marriage, but if it should happen...what? Am I to be ashamed to be "impure"? Condemned to wearing a gown of grey or peach or ivory because I can't (according to tradition) wear white? Am I to be shamed because I "did not wait"?

Am I ashamed of the people I chose to be intimate with? Of course not. And frankly, those details don't matter to anyone but us and our hypothetical partner. That doesn't bug me in the least. Were those specially chosen people the only men who had relations with this body, I wouldn't care about dimwits who preach about the virtues of waiting. Everybody is entitled to their own beliefs, after all.

But what bugs me is knowing that I never had the choice. By the time this body was 8, we knew how to please a man, knew what to expect and how to follow orders. And frankly, 8 is probably overshooting quite a bit. As I type that, someone is offering me a wisp of a memory that we couldn't have been more than 5 in...and possibly as young as 4. I know that bad things happened to the body even younger than that...but I'll stick with 8, because I have memory of the body being used sexually around that age.

Little Blondie on TV can flaunt her beliefs all she wants to, but not all of us have the option of waiting. If I confronted her with our story, even a toned down version, would I be sl*t-shamed? God knows, this body has been used by enough men. And even if I choose to ignore the stuff that happened before puberty, when I was too physically small to fight...what then?

The abuse continued well into my 20s. I was fully adult by then, and had the curves of a well-built woman. I was nearly 6 feet tall barefoot, and could probably have tied most of the people I was told to please in knots. But I did not. The body obeyed for the same reasons it always has. We like to eat. We like clean water and access to warm blankets when it's cold. So even as an adult, this body walked tamely into sexual encounters with many, many people.

I wouldn't mind if I had chosen to play my "V-card" with the man of my choosing. Then it would have been a matter of my choosing. Then I would have been able to say yes...or no.

But that option was taken away from me when I was too young to choose. And it galls me to see that little girl (I can call her that 'cause I am almost old enough to be her mother!) dancing around the stage in her skintight short-shorts turn around and preach abstinence. I'd like to challenge her, ask if a rape counts as "not waiting" for marriage. I'd like to ask her what message she thought she was sending swirling her pelvis around on national TV. Dance is art, yes...but even if Daddy approved of the choreography and costume, that particular dance...well, the main adjectives I've heard or seen about it are "racy" and "sexy".

The words she used hurt. She (so far as I know) still has the option to remain celibate until her wedding night. I don't. We don't. If one of us falls in love, we cannot bring a pristine body to the wedding bed.

Frankly, I think there's an absurd amount of weight put upon female virginity...but that is not the point. The point is that I am both sad and angry. A featherheaded teenager rambled on about the importance of waiting (don't be in his bedroom! Pray before each date!) while I struggle through the aftermath of a lifetime of abuse. To put that in perspective, this body was used by whoever felt like it for more years than this little dancing girl has drawn breath.

She's entitled to her views, but it hurts to hear 'em. I would like to take an (almost) pristine body to my wedding bed. But it ain't gonna happen.

It makes me sad, and angry.

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Oh Skye....I feel your pain. I really do. I, too, wish the same for us. It's Angie, here by the way. Most of us don't quite care for marriage (especially after seeing my parents' marriage and the abuse and many problems it brought) but I would like to marry one day. And that unavoidable 'stain' of abuse that colored our life just won't go away.

I honestly don't feel that we are not pure. I believe that we are. Pure of heart. What was done to us was not our choosing, therefore there is no sl*t shaming that should be done toward us (by 'us', I mean all survivors).

You ARE good and pure. And if the man or woman, whoever you choose to be with, doesn't see that, then they are not for you. I know it's easy to say, but I truly believe it.

Being a people pleaser also, it has been really hard to come to this belief. I've been through hell with the ex who basically manipulated me into proving my goodness and loyalty to him over and over again while he abused me (us).

You are brave to open up about your story here and for that I am proud of you. I am sorry your parents were such assholes (I hope it's okay to say that...that's the impression I get when Jet and Rev are mentioned). You deserved love and care and security as a child and growing up. No 8 year old should have had to endure what you have. Very safe hugs for you all.

You are entitled to your anger a thousandfold! Absolutely! It sounds like you were not allowed to express or feel anger throughout the abuse. You ARE allowed to feel it now. You are safe now.

I think I went off on a tangent and I'm sorry. About this starlet, I don't think she has any idea that what she's saying affects csa survivors. She's young. She has no clue. But I agree with you....she is putting the responsibility on us females for what may happen with a partner. Yes, when it's consensual, we do have our share of responsibility. But otherwise...not at all. And I can see why what she said hurts. Her actions do not match the beliefs she preaches, which gives a horribly confusing message to impressionable young girls and women. And young men as well!

All this to say, we hear you. I hope you find some comfort and begin to truly see yourselves as pure.

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Thanks, Angie. And feel free to call Jet and Rev anything you like-- even Teacher calls Rev an asshole from time to time!

You are right, anger was never an emotion any of us were allowed to express. Any rebellion at all was rapidly snuffed out. I think it shocked Rev the first time I (and it was me that time!) really fought back. I screamed his insults right back...but he was still bigger, and the end was still ugly. But I think it shocked him when his tame little broken thing proved it had claws!

As to that little featherbrained starlet... *sigh* I know she's young, and very sheltered. There are folks in my System who would have said the same things at 17. All innocent and naive and stuff. It could be that the starlet thinks that because Daddy says it's okay, that negates any negative impact her dancing may have. I hope she grows up, comes to see the damage she's doing...hope it happens swiftly and with as little trauma as possible.

I don't wish the pain of any kind of SA on anyone...but I do wish that something would open her eyes to the way the world works.

Guess I'm just bitter. It's a little less pronounced with me, but most of us feel about as pure as yellow snow.

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