Took some meds, calmed down, went to sleep.
woke up EVERY three hours
feel like I haven't slept at all.
I need some serious comfort. or an attitude adjustment. or just some fucking sleep.
none of which is gonna be easy to come by today.
that memory is just so fucked up.
and me, being stupid, am surprised. Idk why... it's perfectly in line with everything else he did to me.
he once told my sister (who he also abused) that he wouldn't fuck her because it would hurt too much.
but he sodomizes me.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? He won't hurt her, but he'll hurt me?!
Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me and not her?
(though truth be told, he probably did do something similar to her, she just lives in a world of denial and won't admit it)
I wish I saw my T today, but I don't until tomorrow.
At least there's no self-blame on this one. This is just flat out rape and I DID fight him, but what can and little waif-like 8yo do against a grown man?
My T says "remember it's just a memory. It's not happening right now. You survived this already."
I know all that, but it happened to me. How could someone do that to me? I was so little.
And I am just angry and grieving this morning for my little self.
Phtoto above, Christmas 1980. Not sure if it's before or after this memory, but it's the same year