I am trying to come to terms with feelings I may have and not be aware of in my own head. For the most part when I deal with things that have happened to me, my motto has always been, "it made me who I am and I am not too bad." I have made my life a success by the standards of my youth and I am happy, comfortable and safe most of the time. I am usually the 'rock' where ever I might be. At work or at home, I am to one with the answers, the decisions, the matriarch of my surroundings. Sometimes, on rare occasion, I become the one who cowers in the corner, babbling nonsense and screaming, "go away closer," to the ones I love and trust the most. Over the past two weeks I have been in both of those positions.
Without a lot of detail, I can say my husband wants to start putting in an additional water line. This will be the 3rd or 4th project like this. This is also the 3rd or 4th time I have done everything I can, even pandering to his libido, to stop the project. The sound of tools digging into the ground make my very core beg for it to stop. It is desperation like I have never felt before. He knows something about the project makes me fall apart and has tried to get me to talk about it. How do you tell a loved one details about bad things that have happened without seeing that look on their face? How do you get them to relax around you after they hear details and not be standing guard over you all the time?
I want him to know what happened without him seeing it every time he looks at me. We have negotiated several parts of our relationship already and I believe we will find a way through (yes, through) this. I have tried to be stark and honest with him throughout every step because if he was gonna run, it needed to be early on in the relationship. When we took our vows, it was our first and last time. We will take the good and the bad and mold it all into something comfortable and supportive for each other. I just wish I had something good to put on top of this last event to make the sting go away.