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This Is Me Sending Out My Call For Help.


AshleyyyRebecca

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I'm so frustrated with myself. I feel like I'm letting them win. I hate always looking over my shoulder, not feeling safe. I'm driving someone who loves me away because I feel like I need all this love and affection, when really I just don't want to be alone and scared. Peace of mind, something I desperately want. Something I need. I feel like I have no one. I feel lost and alone. I just want to run away into the great unknown and not tell anyone, then maybe id feel safe. I need help and guidance. I feel like I'm going crazy....I hate this :'(

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The problem with running away is that, you know, people? Kind of a planetary problem. So you'd be running away from ppl you're scared of only to run to DIFFERENT ppl to be scared of.

But I understand the inclination.

But here's what you really need to know, right now: You're braver than you think you are. You survived this already.

A lot of survivors are afraid of being re-traumatized. That's a normal response to a traumatic experience, but more often that not, it's an irrational fear.

You're ok. Really. I promise. Just breathe.

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I did all of what you said and became a complete loner. And now I'm terrified of ever having a relationship again b/c I just don't trust anyone including myself on how to choose someone. I feel like I always choose the one that could do something terrible to me or they're just attracted to me. I lost everything including my mind, but have recently sought inpatient treatment which lasted a little more than a week, and now I'm in outpatient therapy and having even that much of a schedule on my own is difficult. I don't even know who I am or what I want even though I did get help and I know I'm at the beginning of my revival as a survivor (baby steps, though). I have a ton of issues in my head and a ton of both medical and psychological problems. It sucks.

I'm sorry we have to meet this way, but since After Silence IS here, I'm glad to have found it...and I hope I can utilize it greatly.

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I appreciate you reaching out, more than you know. Being 20 (almost 21) and dealing this this stuff is horrible. I keep telling myself that in the end everything will be okay, but I'm just not sure. And thank you for sharing me what's going on with me. It's reassuring to know that we're not alone, so like you said I'm sorry we have to meet this way, but at least we have the support of After Silence.

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