About a month ago I posted all about my day and the thousand
lies I tell. No I cannot sit here and tell you I am healed. I *can* however
tell you something magical has happened in this past month. Somewhere in the mix
after two decades and pain and confusion, I found the courage to make a
I want to make clear that this is not a blog post telling
you it’s always this easy or that you should prescribe to my methods…just my
I decided that I have had enough. I awoke one day and
realized that this woman holds no ownership on my feelings if I don’t let her.
Things happened to me and I can’t deny that. In fact, I refuse to deny it. I
don’t want to repress again. Instead, I reframed. I thought to myself “am I
just fooling myself?” But I am not. I looked at the situation and realized that
at no point was my SA my fault. Ok fine I can handle that. But then it occurred
to me that not only is it NOT my fault, but that I was letting her own me. Well
It isn’t 100% yet, but I am through. Her ownership of me is ending today and it
will not be returning. I have some amazing people in my life and have become
much more genuine these days and something magical happened.
About two weeks ago I sent some very short and to-the-point
letters to my friends and family apologizing for past actions. Most responded,
most told me there was nothing to apologize for. But then…it happened. Suddenly
I found this blast of self-confidence and when I did, my relationships with
friends and loves has amplified 1000-fold. It was all me. I wanted to believe I
was a victim and while I am a survivor, I didn’t fully realize that I have to
put a genuine self into my relationships as well and it will return to me 100%.
I still have bad days…my bipolar kicks in and I have
depressed moments…but I cannot describe how better I have been feeling lately.
I’ve even found that I am a much better and more capable therapist now. I am so
much more in tune with my clients and I love it. I feel so confident and for
once this isn’t manic Foxface talking
Thanks for listening