Revenge: something that I love. I wish I didn't have such a vengeful nature, I really do. It's something that I struggle with; something I've always struggled with. When someone hurts me, I have such an overpowering desire to hurt them seven times greater than they hurt me. Just like in the Bible: Avenged Sevenfold. It's ironic that seven is my unlucky number. Everyone tells me, no, Seven is the number of God! Seven is supposed to be lucky! I respond back,
"Often the worst things come disguised as the best."
Seven is the number of men who raped me.
Seven is the number of ultimate betrayals I've suffered in friendships.
Whenever something bad happens to me, the date on which it happens is either the 7th or ends with the number 7.
I am not a superstitious person, but when I randomly see the number seven, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I feel afraid. It's a bad omen.
I avoid gambling because the machines are peppered with 7's. Fitting, though, because the vast majority of the people who play the slots end up losing money. It's a false promise. The hope lures people in and traps them. Just like the hope and promise of friendship lured me to my 'death' three and a half years ago.
But the person I really hate is myself; not those who hurt me. Because in my mind, I deserve to be hurt. I deserve every bad thing that's happened to me.
I deserve infertility, I know. Even though it was HIS child, I killed it. I'm a murderer. Seems fitting that the murder I committed should be avenged sevenfold. My dream was always to be a mother. I'll never have that now.
So I guess it goes without saying that the test came back negative. Michael wants me to take another one this week, but I can't stand it. I will break down crying when I see that lone, cruel negative sign on the test. Maybe instead of sadness, I'll feel more rage at the fate that I deserve for what I've done.
I'm a spiritual person, but not a religious one. I can't stand going to church because of the 'purity' messages that they always preach. No doubt the person preaching it is going off and jerking off to porn just like they all do. All founded on hypocrisy. I can't stand to hear it. It drives a truck right through my heart. I hope when I meet God, he doesn't judge me like that.
"Judge not, lest you be judged...." That's a message I need to remember. I am evil at heart; a sinner. And a killer. My one dream destroyed by my own actions.
Michael was sad, too. The night before we had gone out and looked at carseats and cribs, hoping maybe. Maybe, just maybe. Just like me, he wanted a little girl. A little princess.
He was at work when I took the test. Afterwards, I texted him the results, and then collapsed on the bed crying.
"If not now, then someday," he told me when he got home.
But maybe not someday. The fact that I murdered my rapist's unborn child has come back to haunt me. I see it in my dreams. I see it. It was a boy. The boy's death is being avenged sevenfold.
"Those who show mercy will be shown mercy." I should have remembered that.
I'm sure I'll die and go to hell when I'm 77.