PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE NOT IN A GOOD ENOUGH PLACE TODAY
My day she asked? Honesty she requested? Wanted to know about my 24 hours?
"Let me tell you about my day" I responded...
Wake up...exhausted. Can't breathe or focus but the world has to go on and I have to be a part of it. I sit up in bed, the ache, the physical, real pain of merely sitting up after a measly hour of sleep. I shave, still a fog, still a blur. Brush my teeth and put on clothes. I didn't even check if they were ironed. My hair, a bit messy but passable I guess. Strap on my pager, pick up my phone, keys and wallet. Grab my Imitrex. Walk to my car. No surprise, I forgot something...again. I grab it and try not to curse myself as a failure for every lost victory.
I drive, stop at my gas station for my caffeine knowing that it's only going to barely help me travel through the day. I turn on my music for the drive. I can't even hear it any more. I arrive to my office and the prayers begin. Please no emergency clients today. My prayer is interrupted. The beeping of the pager drills into my self confidence. Not ten minutes to attempt to relax. Pack up my bag, head to the emergency room..."Maybe I am the one who needs to be here?"
Shake my head. "Stay strong for her." All the time praying she doesn't say the R word for fear I'll be reminded. "So selfish Foxface...so selfish." Do my interview and help her out. Give her resources. Send her to a place of healing. "When do I get to heal?" Write paperwork. Start praying again. This time the prayer is answered. Hours pass, ticking away with office mates bright and happy not knowing that my smile is one of a thousand lies I will tell today. Most common? "I'm ok...thanks."...."they know something"
Look down at my phone. "damn....a few hours of homework to do when I get home." Mindlessly play on the internet. Listen to my music. I still don't hear it. Chug another stimulant. Take another pill to balance me. The clock ticks...so painfully slow. The battle begins in my mind. "I want to go home...no responsibilities. But then the silence and thinking begins."
Get in the car..."of course, forgot something in the office." Impenetrable fog. Not depression. Anxiety...extreme insomnia. "What was the count this week Foxface? 4 hours in 3 days?" Start to drive. Pull every ounce of my being into my focus. 3 miles to home. Pull over. Have to shake my head out. 2 miles left. Pull over again. "Am I going to make it? This is the longest 2 miles ever."
Finally get home. Eat my food I picked up. Too tired to cook and too tired to taste it. Try to nap...not happening. Try to do homework. "I can't even do this simple math. No way I am going to pass this program." Give up and decide to try tomorrow. Watch the same TV show episodes I have seen a thousand times. "Gotta have some regularity. I need safety...is there safety in habit?"
My wife comes home. I try to lie to her too. "I am fine...no...no I am not...I'm sorry." She talks to me and we discuss it again. A little temporary relief from the woman who has saved me over and over and over. Night time comes so fast. Watch more TV. Decide to try. Try to sleep. Voices in my mind, Not hallucinations. My own voice.
I drift away. Wake up 30 minutes later. Not even a nightmare. Wasn't deep enough to dream. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.