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My Story...

lalachant

Entry posted by lalachant ·

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Good evening,

I wanted to share my story because it will be the first time I have been public about my rape.

I feel like we often are trying to deny the truth, deny the facts and I don't even like saying the word rape.

Well, that all changes today. I have only told close friends, counsellors and family about this rape and I am tried of being silent. What spurred this change was seeing that a girl from my home town recently committed suicide because she was gang raped by four boys (she was 15) and they took photos, bragged about it and sent around the photos to different people laughing at her. This disgusts me. We need to have more awareness and more chances to share. I am a survivor and am stronger because of it. I don't ever wish this feeling on anyone, but life is what you make of it!

To get to the story...

In October of 2005 I was 20 years old. I am an athlete who always dated other athletes so that I was able to feel more feminine and that my muscles were a "turn on" to the guys I dated. (I wasn't like a body builder or anything- I just exercised a lot) So my recent "ex-boyfriend" at the time was no exception to the guys I dated. He was smart, tall muscular and just didn't seem to love me enough and that is why we broke up.

One night after classes I met up with a friend of mine and we went on a "mixer-crawl" which is when different faculties of the university have drink specials and do fun games. We hadn't even planned to do this, but my friend had chatted her friend from work at the bar so we decided to tag along. He was cute... really cute in fact... or at least what I remember... (I have blocked almost everything about him out of my mind) and he was really tall, a hockey player (totally my type) and I remember joking with my friend when we were in the bathroom saying "oh I would totally do him". I later kissed him once - just randomly.

We continued on in the evening and it was fun. My friend and I were music students so we had to go to different concerts as a required credit and that night we had to go to a concert. So for fun we brought the guys we were hanging out with (I will reiterate that the guy who raped me was a work friend of my later-to-be-roommate) to the concert. To make it easier we are going to call him Rob. Anyway, Rob started to roll a joint in the concert - which was NOT at all my scene so we needed to get out of there because in all honesty I never smoked and was a straight A student so I didn't want to be caught or associated with this behaviour at school. So we all decided to go back to my apartment to make nachos. We hung out, all of my roommates were home and slowly as it got later the people started leaving. Of course Rob stuck around. He had other motives... So he was the last to be there and it was too late to hang out in our common area, so I said "Why don't we watch a movie in my room." MISTAKE...

So we started started watching the movie and made out a little bit. When it got to a point where I wasn't comfortable I said, and I quote, "I don't want to have sex with you." Of course... what does he do?... He pushed himself inside of me and my body froze. I remember thinking in my head Oh god, I bet he thinks I am not good at sex because I am not moving. While at the same time I knew what I needed to do to get him off of me. The creepy part of the story comes next...

The august before this event I woke up in the morning and said to my mom " I don't know why mom but I really need to take a self-defence course"... I HAD JUST FINISHED IT.... I knew exactly how to get him off of me. In my head I was thinking "I just need to get my leg up so I can push him off. He finished and was trying to cuddle me afterward but I was still frozen. This all happened with roommates home in my apartment on campus. All three of my other roommates were virgins so when I told them in the morning they didn't understand how that could happen. Rob kept calling, he would stop by unannounced and I even hung out with him a couple of nights later to try and make myself feel better. (I of course did not feel better). At this point though I hadn't realized i had been raped. I just thought I had sex and hadn't really wanted to. (Even though deep down I knew..) I had done the typical "clean the sheets and rid myself of the dirty feeling". I waited a while and finally told my friend Sebastien who was my saviour. He made me realize that I had been raped and took me almost immediately to the sexual harassment counsellor on campus who sent me directly to the psychologist. I spent three or four months in counselling and I still thanks Sebastien to this day for saving me from who knows what!

Another scary coincidence is that this happened on a friday night and I had an appointment on Monday morning with the doctor- as I was supposed to get my pap. I got tested for all of the STI's and the doctor said something very strange right before we were finished, which was "Is there anything else you want me to check for". In my head I really wanted to tell her about the rape and I probably could have gotten a rape kit done. It would have really only been like 48hrs after my rape.... I regret that moment more than anything. The only thing that makes me feel better is that after Rob kept visiting etc and I was able to call him on the phone and tell him that what he did wasn't right and that I don't ever want to see him again. Want to know is response? A cheery "okay." It was over. Just like that! Little did he know he changed my life forever.

After this whole situation I decided to get back together with my ex-boyfriend (the one who didn't love me enough...) because I was needing strength and security. I also went through an almost eating disorder because I was so scared I wouldn't be able to get away the next time so I exercised too much, and didn't eat enough. I luckily was seeing my counsellor and she was able to asses me, and I was able to change my view on food. It was all about control for me.

I only saw him once after that- although I was scared every time I went to the gym. The time I saw him it was at the bar and I was about to leave. He came up to me and he said sorry. MISTAKE TWO: He asked to walk me home. I let him. I don't know why or what I was thinking. He actually came into my apartment and slept over. I know what you are all thinking.. I am an idiot. Why would I EVER let a guy like that back in. He slept over and absolutely nothing happened between us. I have this weird feeling that it was me trying to forgive him. I let it go a little bit after that, but I still to this day don't understand why it happened. I never saw him again after that. I have erased his last name from my brain. (His name is Rob by the way..)

I am a statistic. I didn't report my rape. I regret that. My parents were convinced that they would try and make me out to be a sl*t in court (which I am NOT) but would go through my history and just make me re-hash it and I would never have the justice. I bet they are right, but I regret that I didn't try. I regret letting him back in.

I regret, but I don't forget. I have learned important lessons about myself. I am much better at standing up for myself, but I still was sexually harassed at work two years ago. Guess what? I didn't report him. I was scared what people at my work would think of me and I was scared it would affect my career.

Lesson? I guess I didn't learn....

So what do I want out of all of this? I want girls to know it is OKAY to say No and to do whatever you have to do to save yourself. We need to educate women AND men about this.

I am a well educated successful person. I have a Masters Degree and a good career. I have lots of friends and no one would ever know I was raped unless I told them. I want people to know it happens ALL THE TIME and to everyone. Its not one type of person who is targeted. we shouldn't have to be scared to wear want we want or walk down the street at night.

There is life after being attacked.

We must unite and educate.

Thank you for reading and giving me a chance to put this in writing.... which I have never done before.

4 Comments

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rainwoman21

Lalachant,

I am so sorry that you had to experience this...our stories, unfortunately, have many similarities. I know how you feel about the word 'rape...' I've only now gotten to the point where I can say it sometimes, and it still sometimes bothers me. That is incredible that you got your Master's Degree despite everything you went through! And I do not think you are stupid at all for letting your rapist back in...they are con artists; predators. They have ways of tricking us that we don't even think of because we do not have a predatory nature like they do. There was no 'lesson' for you to learn, although I understand, as I suffer from a great deal of self-blame as well. I was 19 during the time of my sexual abuse, and he was also a friend of mine...I kept going back as well because he was VERY persuasive and I felt afraid for my life. I did not report mine either. I didn't want to go through the ordeal of a trial, and he probably wouldn't have gotten much time in prison anyway. Thank you SO much for sharing your story with us...you are so brave :)

-Rain

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lalachant

Rain,

Thank you so much for reading and taking time to write back. Its so hard to know that there are so many girls out there suffering in silence. I am so glad there are places like this to connect with other people dealing with the same things. I deal with self-blame all of the time. This may sound judgemental but when I am considering dating a guy I tell him about my story and then I judge his reaction as to whether or not I would date him.... The guys who brush it off as if it were nothing are not eligible.. Sad to say, but its that simple for me.

I stopped dating guys that I was "typically" attracted to just to see if I would feel more safe. In the end I did feel more safe and I recently broke up with the most safe sexual relationship I was ever in. Unfortunately there were other things missing, but it was so lovely to not feel much pressure... actually in writing this I think I am reconsidering that. Darn! I have a feeling I don't know what a "normal" sexual relationship is. Will have to talk that one through with the therapist ha.

So my next question is how do I get involved with my local community? I want to help in the education of rape to both girls and guys. Do you know where I should start?

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rainwoman21

Lalachant,

I do not find you judgmental at all! I did the exact same thing. I can tell if a guy is worthy of dating by his reaction....if he can 'handle it' or not. Sad to say, but I think it makes us better judges of character. When a guy brushes it off as if it were nothing, I refuse to date them as well. So I completely understand where you're coming from.

I did the cowardly thing and lost a bunch of weight so that men would find me unattractive and it worked. However, there were still a small few who were interested, but they were typically jerks. That's the kind of man I attract, unfortunately. I met my significant other, Michael, on eHarmony. He made it clear he was looking for a woman who had been through some serious things in life because he had, too. I am only now starting to learn what a normal sexual relationship is, although I still have a great deal of trouble. I have to drink alcohol before I can have sex most of the time. The association is still there, and I'm sorry you have to experience the same thing.

I want to do the same thing, but I'm at a loss at how to approach it, or if it will be too triggering for me and set me back. I've considered contacting my local rape crisis center because I know they have educational programs and really need volunteers.

-Rain

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lalachant

Rain,

Wow, we really did have similar stories. It is REALLY nice to know someone out there knows exactly how I feel. This might sound crazy but I almost feel like my rape is less significant because there are some seriously painful stories on this site. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I can't help but feel guilty. Voila. More self-guilt.

As for your partner, I am so happy for you!! We need to find someone who really understands and doesn't judge us. My ex-boyfriend (well ex-fiance that we just broke up two weeks ago) at first was very understanding and then starting saying later on that I always played the victim and that I probably brought it on myself because my boundaries aren't clear. I am sorry but if the words NO come out of my mouth- that was a BIG boundary. Ouf. I am still trying to get over that relationship and I am trying to be in the "angry" stage.

Anyway, I think we can do something about this. We need to start being more available to people who need the help and to also prevent it. I think starting here on this site is good and also our local women's centers. I think it needs to be more obvious starting in Junior Highs all the way to college. I am willing to devote a good amount of time to it. Cheers to us! Picking our lives up and moving on!

Rain you are an inspiration! You go girl!

-lalachant

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