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Breaking Wave



Skye here. I'm one of Copper's Insiders. I know the rules and do my best to follow 'em. On to the blog.

For us, flashbacks and memories tend to come in waves. And when a new wave breaks, it is devastating.

Many years ago, I handled the first wave...and did a damn poor job of it. Unable to control anything else, I controlled the body's food intake. And by "controlled" I mean stopped eating. Must have drove the parents nuts-- denying their kid food had been an effective tool in controlling her. Now here I was restricting...oh well. I think the body took some beatings over that one, but I don't know for sure. I don't handle pain that well, and have the annoying habit of fighting back when someone hits me. Whenever it looked like Rev (or whoever) was fixing to beat the body, I got shoved out of the way. Fighting back only made it worse.

So that was the First Wave.

Second wave happened about the same time we moved to Nashville. That's when Copper found herself permanently leading this unruly mob. I was, but stuff happened...I just couldn't do it. My faith took one too many blows, and as the new memories showed me one scene after another of people who claimed the cross of Christ blatantly ignoring half of His teachings and shattering the rest....I couldn't take it. Maybe someday I'll blog about that, how the memories broke something crucial inside of me. Not now. Years after the fact, those wounds still hurt.

So I'm (we're) seeing a similar pattern. There's a huge alteration in eating habits. In Wave 1, I quit eating. In Wave 2, we went vegetarian. About a year ago we went back to eating meat, but in the past few months I've seen another shift. Granted, it's for the better-- whoever is directing the diet is really pushing for the fruits and veggies, and all the things food bloggers say are good for you. The body is healthier now than it's been in a while...but this is a big change.

There were other things too, but the upshot is that we all knew a Third Wave was coming. I cannot tell you how grateful I am that Copper is in charge now, rather than me.

We gave Aqua a truly horrible memory last week. To her credit, she barely flinched. And she told us that the way the body reacted as she read the memory aloud was one more proof that the stuff on the paper really happened. We lost most of the rest of that day. Most of Wednesday too. But somewhen in all that, somebody drew a picture. It shows a gorgeous wave, cresting and ready to break. Nestled in the curl of frothy water were the words "Hello Wave 3".

I don't want to do this. I'm afraid to do this. There are two new memories and one journal entry in an unfamiliar hand in our notebook.

I guess it's a good thing that Copper is our leader now. In her own odd way, she is so much stronger than me. If I had to sit there listening to Aqua reading memories like what we gave her last week, I would have been bent over a trash can, heaving. How Copper was able to sit through it is beyond me.

The Third Wave is here, and there's not a lot we can do about it, other than ride it out.

I wish I was stronger. I'd shoulder more of the Wave, take some off Copper. 'Cause much as we fuss, we really are best friends. Y'all have seen it on the boards. So have the few who know us both. Neither of us have many real-life friends, so we lean on each other. I guess that's what I need to do now. Be right there for her when she has to lean. 'Cause Waves suck.


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Yes, waves DO suck!! I'm so sorry you had to go through ANY of this and extra sorry that you're sorta living through it again. We have an Insider, River, who restricted food at several times throughout our life. She doesn't come out much anymore, but she has a lot of say in what the body eats and such. The rest of us are all very routinized around food for this reason (to help prevent River from feeling too out of control and getting triggered). I have FBs a lot. Not full ones like yours sounds like, but I get flashes or little "videos". I cannot handle it. I get raging mad and want to punch people!! But Lucy is much calmer and she is the one who shares my memories with T. I never really leave Lucy, but I try to block out any talks of such things. I worry that I'll hurt myself or someone else if I let myself really feel the rage. Its so hard :(

Anyway, I'm rambling. Sorry. I just wanted to show some support and tell you how brave I think you are. I hope someday Lucy and I can be best friends, too.

-Julia (Lucy's sidekick Insider)

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Hi, Julia. Thanks for commenting. I'm kind of short on words, but I understand. We've got some really angry Insiders. And a few who refuse to admit that anger even exists!

Thanks again for the comment, and I hope that you and Lucy can be good friends.


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