This is my first entry. I hardly come here; I always have the same unanswered questions. Perhaps they are only ones I can figure out myself? I've come to the point where I'm seriously questioning talking to my mom. We've butted heads through the years as a result of my experiences. You see, when things got tough, and I was involved in things beyond my control, I alienated my family. I was a young teenager at the time, and thought I was protecting them. At the time, there really were no other options, and I have come to terms with that. I've stopped saying "I should have...".

So what now? Sometimes I feel as if I'm over what happened to me, but I'm not okay with how it caused my interactions to be among my family. My mother especially refers to those years as me being a typical dramatic teenager, lazy, dishonest, and secretive. The thing about that is I was FORCED to lie. I was given orders, and only trying to keep her out of it. I tried my best to hide everything from my parents and siblings. I was dishonest, but not by choice. I was secretive, but not by choice. Dramatic? I was trapped inside a Lifetime movie, and felt so alone; who wouldn't be emotional and upset? It didn't help that I was drugged over a period of time as a means to subdue me. No, not hardcore drugs, I mean some type of sedative that kept me in a dizzy, foggy, forgetful state. Often times I passed out, which led to my mom thinking I slept all the time.

I'm angry that my mother didn't understand me, and still doesn't understand me today. We are closer now that it is all over, but she still sees me as that girl...and it bothers me. I feel like I lied to her all those years, and as if she deserves to know the truth. I know if I had a child, I would want them to be honest with me, but at the same time, I know it would crush me. Isn't it wrong of me to do that to her? I want her to tell me that it's okay, and that it wasn't my fault. I want her to understand why I am so cautious and "grown up". What I don't want, is to hurt her. It wasn't her fault, or mine. If anything, it was her and the rest of my family that kept me going through those years. They made it worth the fight. They taught me to never give up, and to stand up for what I believe.

Who am I now? I'm quiet around my dad and step mom- couldn't bare it if they knew. I don't drink at all- I want nothing to do with any substance that can alter my state of mind. I always want to be in control...never again want that foggy feeling or draining feeling. I know that a little wouldn't get me drunk or anything, but I just feel like now that I have a choice what to have in my body, I don't want that. I'm tired of being asked why I don't drink.

What if my mom didn't believe me? What if she looked at me as if I were a wounded animal? I couldn't bare that. I'm not wounded anymore. I am strong now. What if she told my dad because she thought he deserves to know? My older sister was attacked by an ex of hers, and he almost did..you know what...and even that crushed my parents. They were so stressed and I feel as if my parents don't look at her the same. As if she's weak maybe? Or as if she put herself in a bad position? She didn't, she just trusted him, and nobody can blame her for that. But for me, I literally had no say in being involved. It just happened.

I am a positive person, but still very realistic. I'm a logical thinker. I am tired of hearing how "naive" I am, or listening to her tell stories that she doesn't understand! I want more than anything to be understood.

What do I do? Please give me advice.