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Consuming Rage


rainwoman21

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Those who have never been through sexual abuse cannot comprehend how incredibly agonizing it is. I am often jealous of them...so blissfully unaware of the soul crushing pain that consumes survivors.

Lately I have been consumed with not only pain, but rage as well. Pure, unadulterated rage. It frightens me. At my job, they placed me over in the Babies section of the store (I work overnight at a retail chain stocking product until I can find a job within my field. I graduated college in December 2012 with a degree in Criminal Justice simply to stick it to my abusers). I was told that due to the sexual abuse I suffered when I was 19, I probably would never be able to have children.

I am over in that section alone, and I am so filled with anger and rage....I curse, I swear, I hit things when nobody is looking. I swear revenge on my main abuser and his girlfriend for turning me into this hate filled creature. I don't even feel human. But deep down inside I am the most loving, caring person who would do anything for anyone...my triggers are turning me into a monster! I am in such pain I just want to lash out and strike...constantly want to yell and scream. I feel destroyed inside. Most days I feel like my abusers stuck a knife in the back of my head and scrambled my brains.

Oh, God, if you had known the person I was before all the abuse took place. Before the day of my 'death...' October 4, 2009. I wish to have that date tattooed onto my ankle, along with the inscription, "NEVER FORGET." I literally felt myself die that night. I speak of myself before the rape in the past tense. She was rain; I am fire. She was sweet and gentle and would give you the shirt off her back. I am ruthless, furious, and unforgiving.

Day in and day out, I see red. I have never been this angry before in my life. Therapy is not an option for me. It makes things worse, and I simply cannot relive the events that took place in front of an uncaring, unfeeling stranger as I have tried to do so many times before. I am afraid I will snap and hurt someone. The only thing that calms the hurricane inside my heart is slashing my skin with a blade, which I only do as a last resort. I'll take the anger out on the one who deserves to be punished-me.

When people tell me 'it's not my fault,' I want to laugh in their face. I was a moron for trusting those people. I should have known better. Now Little Me is dead because of my own stupidity. I'm cursed to walk the Earth in a body without a soul because of my own actions. I am paying the highest possible price for my misjudgment.

I want to kill my main abuser. I want to watch the life drain out of him like it drained out of Little Me that night. I want to scream in his face, "WAS ALL THIS WORTH IT KNOWING YOU HAVE SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE????" Make him stare at a picture of that sweet little girl he murdered while I kill him. I hate him. I hate him so much.

The girl who was killed...Little Me...cries out for justice. She wants justice more than anything; justice I cannot give her. Until she gets it, she will never be at peace. I wish there was a way, but the evidence is long gone and the only way for him to pay for his crimes through the legal system would be is if he confessed to it.

I found the female abuser's Youtube channel. The one who helped rape me. I keep leaving her comments letting her know that I know what she did. She has since broken up with my main abuser, and is my one chance at implicating "Brian" in the crimes. I'd gladly let her walk if HE went to prison. I hate both of them just as much, but as long as one of them pays for what they have done, I feel that her soul can rest in peace. And maybe the rage will not consume my heart and mind so completely anymore.

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Hello, idk if it helps but im really glad you posted this. I am filled with so much hate and anger which isnt normal for me because im a natually happy person. I know how you feel, and I know what its like to be envious of those who have never been affected by this. Im a freshmen in college, and its so difficult being here and knowing all the things that could happen and what ive already been through. Im sure you know this since youve gone through college, which you should be extremely proud of. Sometimes the feelings of whats happened to me overcome me and I cant focus for days. Theres days that I dont think I can do it. So its awesome to know you made it through, which gives me hope. So thank you for posting this.

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I am so glad I was able to help you, sweetie. If my pain can give just one person hope, then it was worth experiencing. I am so sorry to hear that you feel the same rage....it's horrible, I know! I understand the fear all too well...after the abuse, I would skip class a lot simply because I was too terrified to leave my apartment. I am so happy to hear that you are still in college, though! That alone shows your strength....I have unfortunately met many girls who have had to drop out because the stress of dealing with the abuse and their studies was too much for them. I, too, had such problems focusing...my mind was often a whirlwind of emotions. I still have quite a long way to go. But I want to let you know...the one thing that helped me (and I think it will help you too! :) ) is that when I was in college, I always thought to myself, "I will never let my abusers take away my chance at this diploma. It's the one thing I will have that they never will." I fueled all my anger into my schoolwork, which is why it's so difficult now....I have nothing to fuel it into. I know you will make it though! The fact that you are on here sharing is a HUGE step. Every time you share your story, your abusers lose a little more power. You are an inspiration to me as well!!! :)

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I want to address both of you in this post.

I too find myself getting extremely angry. I have angry thoughts about little things and it scares me quite frequently. I have found that for me exercise seems to get that out, even if I go for a run for five minutes and start bawling once I am on it. I have scary thoughts when I let my mind wonder. Ladies the fact is we all are fighting off these evil demons and I want to diminish the power that this had on me. It will never be forgotten, but as you said, Rain, we want our abusers to lose the power.

Let the abuser live with the awful guilt of knowing what they have done and try to let them have less of you. They want the fear, but we won't give it.

That being said I always dream of what I might do if I saw him again... Alas- I must try and jump the hurdle when I see it coming. Productivity is such a good way to deal with it.

Keep going ladies. You can do it! Education is power and we are power in numbers.

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