Those who have never been through sexual abuse cannot comprehend how incredibly agonizing it is. I am often jealous of them...so blissfully unaware of the soul crushing pain that consumes survivors.
Lately I have been consumed with not only pain, but rage as well. Pure, unadulterated rage. It frightens me. At my job, they placed me over in the Babies section of the store (I work overnight at a retail chain stocking product until I can find a job within my field. I graduated college in December 2012 with a degree in Criminal Justice simply to stick it to my abusers). I was told that due to the sexual abuse I suffered when I was 19, I probably would never be able to have children.
I am over in that section alone, and I am so filled with anger and rage....I curse, I swear, I hit things when nobody is looking. I swear revenge on my main abuser and his girlfriend for turning me into this hate filled creature. I don't even feel human. But deep down inside I am the most loving, caring person who would do anything for anyone...my triggers are turning me into a monster! I am in such pain I just want to lash out and strike...constantly want to yell and scream. I feel destroyed inside. Most days I feel like my abusers stuck a knife in the back of my head and scrambled my brains.
Oh, God, if you had known the person I was before all the abuse took place. Before the day of my 'death...' October 4, 2009. I wish to have that date tattooed onto my ankle, along with the inscription, "NEVER FORGET." I literally felt myself die that night. I speak of myself before the rape in the past tense. She was rain; I am fire. She was sweet and gentle and would give you the shirt off her back. I am ruthless, furious, and unforgiving.
Day in and day out, I see red. I have never been this angry before in my life. Therapy is not an option for me. It makes things worse, and I simply cannot relive the events that took place in front of an uncaring, unfeeling stranger as I have tried to do so many times before. I am afraid I will snap and hurt someone. The only thing that calms the hurricane inside my heart is slashing my skin with a blade, which I only do as a last resort. I'll take the anger out on the one who deserves to be punished-me.
When people tell me 'it's not my fault,' I want to laugh in their face. I was a moron for trusting those people. I should have known better. Now Little Me is dead because of my own stupidity. I'm cursed to walk the Earth in a body without a soul because of my own actions. I am paying the highest possible price for my misjudgment.
I want to kill my main abuser. I want to watch the life drain out of him like it drained out of Little Me that night. I want to scream in his face, "WAS ALL THIS WORTH IT KNOWING YOU HAVE SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE????" Make him stare at a picture of that sweet little girl he murdered while I kill him. I hate him. I hate him so much.
The girl who was killed...Little Me...cries out for justice. She wants justice more than anything; justice I cannot give her. Until she gets it, she will never be at peace. I wish there was a way, but the evidence is long gone and the only way for him to pay for his crimes through the legal system would be is if he confessed to it.
I found the female abuser's Youtube channel. The one who helped rape me. I keep leaving her comments letting her know that I know what she did. She has since broken up with my main abuser, and is my one chance at implicating "Brian" in the crimes. I'd gladly let her walk if HE went to prison. I hate both of them just as much, but as long as one of them pays for what they have done, I feel that her soul can rest in peace. And maybe the rage will not consume my heart and mind so completely anymore.