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So I've not been around for a while, or at least I've not posted anything. But I've started back at counselling on Friday (07/03) which is proper scary. The last 2 counsellors I had were really rubbish and I couldn't talk to them, but this counsellor seems nice and it seems easier to talk to her (or at least it did on Friday). And that worries me as it'll mean I may actually have to start dealing with things. During the time I've not been at counselling I've been okay, or at least I've been numb, and it's given me the impression that I was coping with things. And indeed on the surface of things, I was - looking for work, eventually finding a job, not exactly eating loads but eating, doing more or less every day things that I needed to do, seeing friends etc... But within 10 minutes of being there, I was in tears, and I realised that all I've done (not consciously I don't think) is push it as far away as physically possible so that I can function, and it's still there under the surface just waiting to get out when the opportunity presents itself. It's terrifying as I'm so used to just feeling nothing at all. It was probably primary school since I last really 'felt' proper emotion and they were all extreme and negative. There are reasons why you don't feel, it's safe for one, not that I choose this existance. The whole idea of putting myself back through all that pain just sounds crazy. I'm assuming it has it's benefits in the long term though.

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Hang in there....it gets better... 35 years on...I am still having ups and downs but I am much stronger because I faced the memories. Do it in your own time...in your own way....with people who feel supportive and understanding towards your pain. Take care xxx

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