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The Moat



I'm Skye, one of Copper's Insiders (or alts, if you insist). I know the rules and do my best to adhere to them. Enough disclaimer. Blog time.

Damn, this has been a week.

Aqua played a card on Tuesday that I was not prepared for. Me being the Queen of Bullshit that I am, I got through the moment...and dumped Copper into the driver's seat as soon as I could manage. I don't think I'm quite ready to handle that one in words yet, but I did draw some.

Funny, that. I am in no way a visual artist, but I love those chalks Teacher gave us. None of the others really cares for chalk, but for some reason it really resonates with me. Weird. Got a feeling that pretty soon Teacher will know it was me that drew a given piece simply because it's in chalk.

I don't think that Teacher will see this series, though.

Part of that is because I just don't trust her enough yet. Even as I (quietly) made myself known in art T this week, I still braced. Teacher knows that I exist now, knows that I am not just an "archetype". Aqua called and talked to her, told her that Copper C. Phoenix really is a multiple, and that my feelings had been hurt.

I never would have dreamed a T would stand up for me like that. And the next week in art T, Teacher sat down with me and Copper (and a whole lot of others that she doesn't know about) and we talked. Well, Copper talked. I watched and listened.

The upshot of that conversation was that Teacher will not go out of her way to acknowledge us Insiders...but she will work with me as me, not just an offshoot of Copper.

So I'm carefully learning to trust Teacher. Copper would walk to the moon barefoot for her...I think I'm jealous that she can trust a therapist that much. I'm jealous that she can trust at all.

Anyhow, back to the topic. My mind reeling in reaction to that damn card of Aqua's, I eventually sat down with my chalks. And wound up with 14 drawings in the highly stylized style that all of us in this System use for art therapy. Copper always draws "herself" in purple. I have chosen blue...with my trademark long braid. (The body no longer sports long hair, but that has nothing to do with mine!)

I was kind of surprised that it took that many images to tell my story. And for once, I didn't ask Copper for help at all on how to illustrate some heavy-duty concepts.

I'm gonna have to show this batch to Aqua. They represent a potentially huge stumbling block in working with Red the Deprogrammer. Somehow at least part of it will have to be resolved before he gets involved. *bitter laugh* I guess I'm heading for the right place.

The story these images tell is of a catastrophic loss of faith, of a young woman who once dreamed of a life of service in the ministry... and how that same girl shattered into the Caustic Mystic. I don't talk about that part of my life. The House of Worship we attend was chosen mostly because it was the least triggery "church" we could find. The teachings run close enough to most of our beliefs that we can all handle it.

It helps that the music is effing awesome.

But a part of me died when my faith broke. Always sarcastic and quick-witted, my humor became bitter. And from there, it became acidic. Now, though I do still have my mystic core, it's surrounded by a protective moat of acid strong enough to melt diamond.

I don't like that. Not really. I don't like the way Copper edges away from me when the subject of religion comes up. I don't like that Orange steps closer, reminding me to keep my temper.

I hate having my spiritual core living within a moat of battery acid. I need that mysticism to live; going without food or drink is easier. But I hurt, and I buried the shards of my old faith deep beneath the moat.


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