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Lost Memories


ImScared

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Warning!!!!

I'm going to talk about my miscarriage and 2 abortions

WARNING!!!!

I lost a pregnancy due to my ex husband. That's the way I feel because we didn't realise I was pregnant or maybe we did (I don't remember) but he continued to have very rough sex with me until the day I miscarried. No one knows about it because it was before we were married and I would have been disowned if my family knew. I got pregnant again 2 more times before we got married and I chose to terminate the pregnancies. (Please don't hate me, it was the best choice at the time for all of us). The thing is, I have no memories of this time. I know I must have been in pain. I know certain facts....I didn't take any pain medicine the doctor recommended for fear that my parents would find out, I had to work or my parents would find out, I lived life like it was normal, I don't remember anything else. I remember being under for the first termination and I think I was almost 12 weeks? I'm not sure, I remember that my blood pressure was dropping, I remember hearing the doctor say that they were losing me but then nothing.....anyone have any idea how to find these memories? Does anyone have this problem?? I'm sorry if this bothers anyone!!! It's just on my mind and I can't get rid of it. Thank you for any advise!!!

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You are very brave for speaking about it. No one should be hating on you, no matter how they feel about abortions. You were in pain.

I wish I could tell you how to remember the memories. If I knew then I would do it too to speed up this painful process. I'm sure there are hypnotists out there that say they can help but I am not sure.

My T told me that if I attended a group support meeting (a 1 yr commitment) that "all sorts of memories will come up." She has been practicing for over 30 yrs and says when people are able to talk and share with other trauma survivors it awakens the memories. I was told by the group therapist that many people in the group will recover almost all their trauma memories. Problems is, it is not cheap. My advice would be to look into something affordable. I found one but I cannot go until the fall as it requires me moving across country(back home).For me it is worth it and I do not have anything holding me here. I hope this helps. Safe hugs to you.

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I'm not brave. My memories of the miscarriage came back on Monday. My friend helped me and I was sorry that I wanted to have them. I don't know what I was thinking!!! The worst has been the body memory!!! I wish I hadn't looked for the memories. I've been in pain since we talked about it. I feel like I'm miscarrying all over again. I can't speak any of this out loud. That would make it much too real for me!!! I've written my story once for my friend and copy & pasted it for the few other people who know. I don't think the T thing will work for me. My friend suggested it & Then I pointed out when spelled out what it looks like to me. TRIGGER WARNING!!!! The rapist. He understands and that's why I adore him!! I hope it works for you!! I'm still taking my baby steps. Thanks for the hugs and the advise!! You are awesome!!

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It sounds like you have the kind of friend we all need. I hope the body memories fade quickly for you. I have been having some body pain this last week and thought "well, it can't be from the memories. That would feel different." It's been going on all week so I am not sure. I just want to stop remembering. The pain comes in waves and so does my resolve to heal. I may feel like giving up in the morning on my way to work, and then I hear a song on the radio/CD player and think "I can do this!" Then by the time I get home I just want to curl up in bed again. When does this part end? They say it gets easier. Anyway, in the back of my mind (each time I feel pain in certain areas) I think of that person who did those things to me. I can't even say his name. He disgusts me more than the rapists from my adulthood. So sorry to go on like this. You are the first person on here I've had a running conversation with and you have made me feel happy to log on here. You are awesome too!

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I'm so blessed to know him. Everytime the pain starts to fade a bit....it waits until night and comes back full force!! The thing is I don't remember the pain but I've sure been feeling it this week!!!! UGH!!! I don't even think of it as healing! I just think.....is there more?I feel nothing about my ex. I can talk about him because it's not real to me. I've never said my story out loud. I'm glad I can make you happy!! Some days I just feel like I can't do anything right!! For some dumb reason, I keep trying. I hope you have a good night!!

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