ImScared's Blog

I have been feeling the same lately. As I began remembering the SA I began questioning when I actually did lose my virginity as well. I remember thinking (during the time I thought I had lost it, as a teenager) "Hmm..that didn't hurt at all. I thought it was supposed to be a bigger deal." That memory combined with what I remember now makes me think I lost it much earlier. I panicked when I came upon this realization. I hope it is not as painful for you. You are not alone and it is a logical question to ask. I think there are more of us here that are asking that question. So sorry you can't remember, it is frustrating because we want to remember so we can begin healing from it.

Thank you so much for answering!!! I broke down crying when I read what you said!! I'm so glad that I'm not alone. I've discovered recently that there are more memories that I don't remember. (That sounded really dumb, sorry) It's freaking me out. My best friend keeps telling me to not try so hard to remember because then it will come to me. He tries so hard to be patient with me!! I love him for it but sometimes he does't understand. So thank you!!!

I totally get what you are saying! I have been so frustrated lately because I can't seem to remember and after I think I finally have come to terms with a memory, I remember more things and then I question it all again. It is so hard to be patient and relax when you want to heal. Sometimes I am so scared to remember, afraid it will be so terrifying. I am sorry you are going through something like this but I feel relieved to know I am not alone.

That's exactly what has been happening!!! I remember something & then more shows up and then I think I losing my mind!!! I'm sorry you are going through this! If it's safe, hugs to you

Thank You! Misery loves company. I have been finding comfort in other peoples trauma/recovery, especially in literature/movies. When I finally decided that I was going to have a good life, even though I couldn't remember the abuse, was when the abuse memories came. Most of them around Thanksiving. I no longer celebrate that holiday, haven't really for years and now I know why I have an aversion to it. I have found a few songs and books that help me refocus. I feel like I can only handle a little memory at a time. The other day I just felt sad and let myself cry and be a kid, coloring and watching a kids show on Netflix. I feel like I need to connect to that person who went through the abuse, like I am 2 different people. Does this make sense? No wonder we feel like we are going crazy! My T says that is normal.

Two people!! That's me!! I have to be one way for everyone and I can be myself with my friend. He knows me better than I know myself!! I love colouring!! I do it with my niece but my trauma is from when I was older. My ex husband caused my trauma. I don't cry much anymore because I can't. I just don't feel. I try really hard but I haven't had a good cry in quite awhile. Thank you for being my company!! You seem pretty awesome to me!!

Thank you! You have made my week. I was feeling so alone.

I also had trauma as an adult. My child's father R me and then blamed me for it. I didn't remember the earlier abuse until this last year so every time I was in therapy or getting help it was for when he hurt me. I feel like it is still there, in the background though, even though it is more recent. I don't feel pain about it anymore but I do think about it from time to time. I remembering not crying for years and now it seems like I can cry over anything emotional.

You have been a caring friend and I am grateful for your comments. I'm so happy that I found this site! I don't think I would be able to process the daily pain w/o it.

Don't feel alone! Try to talk to someone about it. It helps me. My friend has me tell him everything. The good, the bad and the ugly!! I love him for it because he is helping but it worries me that I am causing him damage by knowing my story. He tells me that he can handle it. I'm glad because he is the first guy in over 20 years that I trust. My ex is my daughter's father. She doesn't know what happened between us except that we couldn't get along. He hasn't seen her since she was 4 years old. She turns 21 this year. I don't want her to know what it was like. She was mad at me for years because I kept her daddy away from her. I accepted that for years. As she got older, she realised that he made the choice to stay away from her.

Sorry I went on a ramble!! I'm glad that I made your week!!! I hope you have a great night!!