Made It Through The Holiday
Entry posted by LovemyBostonTerrier ·
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I spent so many years alone on Christmas. I was born into a family that celebrated Christmas and had that whole traditional introduction to this holiday. It wasn't presents that I remember but the feeling of unity that stands out. Decorating with my brothers really stands out for some reason and maybe I liked it because for one day it was expected that everyone would be nice to each other. I first stopped celebrating after my mother decided she didn't want me anymore so I was left behind with my father and my brothers would go to my mothers house. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be her daughter because she could still love them but not me. There was something wrong with me that made her not love me....by that time my father started following a religion that didn't celebrate the holiday so it was a feeling of loneliness and abandonment without my brothers or mother. I remember the first holiday after my mother gave me over to my father, standing outside crying. Crying in my house was weakness and would get you in trouble so I would only cry when and where no one would know. I just felt alone and wanted to be with my brothers even if they didn't want me there and back then i would imagine how happy they must of been and when your 10 its easy to feel left out?
The first Christmas after I ran away from the states "care" was especially hard also. I went almost two years with no contact with any of my family, I could of been dead and they wouldn't know any different all they knew was I walked out of a group home and didn't look back. I missed my brothers especially, even though they were cruel to me I still loved them. I missed my younger brother the most. I kept a picture of him and couldn't look at it without crying back then. I never talk about JD because its too hard. Even now I can't stop my heart from feeling like its breaking. JD was my half brother from my fathers youngest wife. I took care of him a lot especially when Susanita couldn't take care of him herself. Even though I was a child myself I guess I kind of raised him in a way until he was five when I left. I forgot until now how much it still hurts to remember him. Even to remember Susanita hurts, I loved her too it hurts to imagine what life must be like if she is still with my father. I have never told anyone the meaning behind what I changed my name to but it has to do with them. Its a memorial that I carry with me.
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