I have read a lot of self healing materials and they really help me in understanding what my problems are. I know what I am dealing with and I know what to do, but it is so hard to follow with them. Things I most struggle with are flashbacks and triggers. They are getting worse as I get older. I guess because I have suppressed it for so long and so deep inside of me that I guess my mind finally has nowhere to keep everything in.
I am wondering what kind of day I am going to have today. I am having panic attacks everyday from flashbacks and triggers around me. I usually manage and push through, but sometimes it is just too much to handle. I usually fake it 'till I make it as someone said.
I was on the self-help forum the other day and someone said that keeping a journal of any kind will help with what I am going through. That is why I decided to start this blog. I think blogging is the perfect way to keep your life events and let everything out so everyone can read it. For so many years I have been silenced and told to not to tell anyone about my problems by my family made me feel like I was the problem one. I don't want to feel like that ever again. That's the one thing I clearly understood, that I am not the problem. They are the problem for shutting me down.
It makes me very upset at my family when I think about what happened to me. I was only 8 years old and I went with perpetrator to protect my mom and my sisters. But, all my mom and sisters can tell me is that it happened long time ago and I should be fine now and I should move on. They say it like I just felt off the bicycle. Unlike other kids at that age, I told what happened to me to my mom and the person that was with her ( a pastor ). I ran to Church after what had happened to me because that where my mom and my sisters were. A pastor was just happened to be with my mom and I told them what had happened. A pastor laughed when he heard my story like I am telling a lie. My mom was worried and afraid. She cleaned me when we got home and I remember her crying I think.. She took me to a salon and asked to get a very short hair cut and bought me a new pair of glasses to disguise me hoping that perpetrator won't recognize me anymore. She told me to scream and run if I ever saw him again.
I was pretty brave kid then. I was not ashamed of myself at all either then. I just knew that what he did was a wrong thing and I knew that he had to see justice at work. I asked around with difference kids in my neighborhood to see if anyone had similar experience. I found out that some other boys were also sexually assaulted/raped by this perpetrator. One kid told me that he knew where he worked. He told me that he worked at his parents corner market on the other side of the town. I decided to go and verify if he was the guy and when I got there, there he was. I immediately ran home and told my mom about who he was and where he was. I was sure that she will go to the police right away, but she didn't. In fact, that's when all the disguise thing happened and she told me to run when I ever saw him again. That's what I felt ashamed of myself. That's when I realized that I could not trust anyone, even my mother. This is when I start to shut everyone out and start to have very hard time making friends. Why didn't my mom see it? Why didn't my teachers see it? Why didn't my pastor see it?
When I turned 22, I think I dare to bring up the subject to my parents because I was really having a hard time. My mom did not want to hear it. I asked my mom why she did not go to the authority and report the incident. My mom told me that because she did not want public and media to know about what happened. She told me that it would have been very hard for me. But, I think that it is a partial true that it would have been hard for me but I would not have felt like I do right now (ashamed, guilt, sad, rejected) if the truth was out. I really think that she did what she did because she was raising 4 children all by herself as a single parent at that time and she did not want to deal with that situation thinking that it will pass like everything else. Truthfully all I wanted to hear was that she was sorry and everything was her fault. I wanted to hear that she is sorry that she could not protect me like she should have aftermath. She never said those words. She said she did what she though that was best for me. The only reason why I went with the perpetrator was because he told me that he will hurt my sisters and my mom if I didn't go with him. I went to protect her and my sisters, but she did not want to protect me from aftermath. She only wanted to do what is the best interest for her and she convinced herself that it is the besting for me.
I am not ashamed. This is not my fault. I am not going to let my perpetrator take control of rest of my life. I am not going to be like him although the statistic says that 80 to 90 percent of perpetrator are victims of sexual assault / rape. No, I am not going in to be a homosexual because I was force upon and force to perform oral from a guy. I will be okay. These are the fears I have been living with and what I have told myself to survive day to day basis. I have conquered all my fears except one. I am okay with all my fears except one that makes me really afraid. I do not want to become like him. just a little thought of it makes me want to hide. I feel like I should move away from society because of the statistic. I just realized something though. Maybe those who became perpetrators themselves never got to be a survivor. I think that those who became perpetrators as a result of their experience they stayed as victims. Wow, that is a powerful statement. This is like a eureka moment for me.
I am a survivor. I will not let him control my life again. I will not let my mom control my life again. I will not let anyone control my life ever again.