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Fighting

Grey054

Entry posted by Grey054 ·

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I've been fighting half my life. That's a real long time. A real long time to fight when you can't really see what you're fighting for.

I know there is a purpose in life. I know there is a purpose for me; but for now I'm just fighting for survival. I'm fighting but all the while I don't really know how long I'll last. I've had that thought in my head since I started my fight; an understanding that I wouldn't make it. It's an idea that I came to terms with a long time ago. Yet I'm still here. It feels surreal. I rationalize in my mind, that I would not have made it as the person I used to be - that I’ve become stronger and I have love and support, and that somehow I'll make it. I've even made plans for my future, entertaining ideas and desires. I'm the strongest that I've ever been - yet I feel my heart slipping; wanting to give up. It is slowly breaking.

So many times I have wanted to reach out. A few times I even tried. But when the unwanted responses come, I'm thoroughly displeased. More than that, I hated myself a little more. I hated myself for being weak enough to think maybe they can help - and there is a small voice in my head that says I told you so; talking was a mistake. Don't do it again!

The response that I want has never come because I can't tell them the problem.

The response I want: A tight embrace. Silence if necessary. Don't tell me to let it go, because it's not bitterness or hurt that I hold on to. What I fight every day does not come in the form of something releasable. Don't give me a solution because you are not an expert. There is no way that you know better than I do. I know how to cope with this; I've been doing it half my life.

Tell me it was wrong. Tell me I'm still valuable. Tell me you love me. Don't tell me you feel my pain, but feel for me; tell me it's okay to hurt. Don't tell me I have to be strong because that's all I've done through my fight. Tell me it's okay to be weak. Tell me I can heal.

It's time for me to heal. I don't have another option. If I don't heal I'll break.

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LadyRose

I just joined but I can say this for sure not talking about it does not help and holding in the feelings of rage and hurt does not help but what does is talking about it and for me journaling every day helps me cope with my past and we really has is hope of healing and moving on but the key is to never give up . Keep being strong and hang in there you will make it through this and you will heal but it will take time but if you have hope and courage you can move past this . Look at the positive things in your life whatever they may be weather it be a good book or movie time with friends just live in the moment we cannot change what is in the past but we can change our future be strong .

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Sarahhk1

Hi Grey, I really understand what you say when you talk about solutions. I have never been so enraged than when a friend who had done s masters in psychology tried to give me tips on Cognitive behavioural therapy, I don't need that from a friend. I need someone who wants to take on my pain and feel for me. Not like you said, tell me I'm doing great, or i'm so brave. That's the easy way out: minimising and dismissing

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