Today I feel out of control. My feelings are just below the surface again and I'm barely keeping them in check. I so want to cry, to scream, to yell, throw something, get angry, get justice, but then I can't - it's like I have something within me that provents me from doing any of those things, and justice will never happen. All I feel is uncontrolable pain directed towards myself, total feelings of self loathing, worthlessness, humiliation, powerlessness and lack of control. My heads pounding right now and I feel sick. I've been shaking all day, and I don't know how I made it to the high street and back to post a letter. I've been making phonecalls too, but everyone has been so difficult - my voice has been shaking. I had a body memory last night for the first time in a few months. I think that's really shaken me today, though things have been getting worse for a while now. I bought myself a costas (expensive coffee, though I had hot chocolate) whilst out to cheer myself up - didn't really work, but was worth a go. Anyway, maybe tomorrow will be better.