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04/11

forestmistheather

Entry posted by forestmistheather ·

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I feel lazy and sad today. The longer I go on without any structure in my life, the worse I feel. I just don't feel able to function, or to pick myself up AGAIN. Every time I do, I just get knocked back down. I don't want to keep going, round and round and round the same old cycle. I'd rather just spend my time indoors by myself where it's safe. I just don't want to get up and carry on this time. Why is everything just so much hard work? Life is so complecated at the moment. I need something to go right for me, just one thing. I don't feel anything much when I'm alone, which is good on the one level but becomes frustrating after a whilst. But then put me in a crowd / host of ppl, particularly though I know or in authority - and I'll be triggered. It's the exact time that i don't want my feeling to come to the surface that they do. I don't seem to be able to do normal everyday stuff, with out freaking out or it at least causing me a lot of problems. Well I'm done in. And I've barely done anything as usual. I've not even left the house today, and I even had a rest part way through the day. I'm just so unproductive. Never mind.

Forest x

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BrokenRoots

Forest, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can completely relate to what you've said here. When I'm alone I feel detached, numb.. I feel void of almost everything. All I usually want is to be alone. But then as soon as I try to interact with other people, I feel triggered. I've gotten better being around people who I don't know, but people that I'm familiar with are the most difficult to be around. It's those people I'm around when I start to panic. Everything triggers me, I have flashbacks. My anxiety skyrockets and I feel as if I just need to get away.

(hugs) - If that's alright. What has helped me is allowing myself to partake in something I used to really enjoy before I was assaulted. For me it is horseback riding. I loved it before, and stopped riding for way too long. Now that I'm back in the saddle, even if it's only one hour a week, I feel a bit better. Even if only for that hour I feel happy, that's progress.

I hope you can find something that you enjoy that will help you pull through this. I'm here with support if you need.

BrokenRoots

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forestmistheather

Thanks BrokenRoots,

You're right btw, it is around people that I'm familar with as apposed to random strangers that I feel worst. It seems so strange really, you'd have thought the unfamilar would scare me more than the familar. But perhaps it's to do with letting my guard down, or feeling that I can't. Idk. Thanks for the hugs - they're always welcome. (((BrokenRoots))),

Forest x

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