I have been in a funk of sorts for years now. It's the type of funk that you know you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Tomorrow you hope for a better day. But it seems every side of the bed is the wrong side. There are days when I can manage the funk very well. I function at work and participate with family. Then there are the days that I cant really get past it. I cannot say that there is one thing or one emtion. I am just sad and depressed. I have tried pinpointing what it is but I am just disconnected from everything.
I only put in the effort that is required for anything I do. I have already told my boss that I dont want to have any real responsibilities. Dont try to promote me for leadership of any kind. That is not what I want. I dont want to have to interact with these people through coachings or supervisor calls or anything other than answering a very simple question. Socially, I would prefer that I just stay home and not have to do anything.
My appetite over that last few months has been non-existent. I eat a salad because I can tolerate it. It is the one thing I can consistently eat. At least it is healthy and I can hopefully lose some of the weight the doctors want me to. If I lost the desire for cigarettes they would be on cloud 9 I bet. That desire has increased though. I smoke now more than before escpecially when I am working. Working from home is nice except for that piece. If they make me go in the office I have no clue what I would do having to get dressed every single day.
I thought talking it out would help as well. But that only leaves me more frustrated because I cant find the answer. Writing hasnt been that helpful either. It is just a bunch of rambling that makes no sense. Kind of like this entry. It is like seasonal depression but it is every season. I lay in bed and cry sometimes. I cry for nothing. I cry because i miss my mama. I cry because I have a life long condition that I caused. I know that. I knew the possible consequences. Others believe the reason is just an excuse or just plain invalid and I should have done better. I cry because I wish I could have done better. I cry because next year I will have to make some difficult decisions again. And again they wont understand the reasoning. I cry because childhood trauma is real and if you dont experience it then you never understand fully.
All that I can do is keep trying at some point. Until then I just keep moving. Sometimes, it is forward, Sometimes it is backwards. I just cant stay still. Therapy is currently not an option. Financially it isnt in the cards but most importantly, I have been there and I just cant do it again right now. When the time comes, I will try again. Right now I am just not trusting of the help that it will provide.