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I think they went too easy on him


asparkofcourage

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Basically 3 big things have happened while I've been not documenting this journey over the past few months. 

1) Apparently I did tell my maternal aunt that my brother was abusing me when I was around 11 or 12.  She knew the whole time and didn't bring it up with anyone.  I didn't remember telling her all this time.  LAME. 

2) I confronted my parents.  They said they didn't remember me telling them about my bro when I was younger.  My mom made some excuses for my brother  like "boys do stupid things" "he was watching bad shows." etc. but eventually did apologize to me and understood I needed to get my power back.  My dad was pretty on point with apologizing to me, saying that he failed me and doing what I asked him to do (read a book, confront my bro for me).  He seems like he wants me to feel better. 

3) My parents and 2 other brothers confronted my abuser (oldest brother).  I got the playback from each of them the next day.  My mom offered him an excuse of "that was around the time you had that concussion, do you think that is why you did it?" She also said "we don't have to tell anyone outside of this room".   My dad, mom and one of my brothers said that "we forgive you"..... My abuser said that he would go to therapy. He also said that he only touched me with clothes on.  Lie. and it was only touching for a few weeks. Lie.  He did admit to abusing my cousin too.  

 

They continued to say that my cousin lied about a lot of things and that's why  no one believed her, but it seems like no one is willing to apologize to her.  That makes me angry.  They only believed he did it to her because I said it did happen and then he confirmed it.  I don't care what she lied about, she told the truth about this so she needs an apology too.  But as far as I know, no one has yet.  

 

I told my parents to do whatever they needed to do because its their life and they have to live with their decisions and how they handle things. But for fucks sake, they didn't even yell or anything.  I don't feel like I got justice.  He got a comforting rub on the back and "just let it out". "we forgive you because god wants us to" and "I know you're a different person now".  And I hung myself in my closet and no one noticed.  (I'm very happy the rope failed. I am happy with living now. Don't ever give up.)  But yeah I don't feel better about that situation though.  I'm not really sure how to feel better or what justice would be, but I know that how things went, I do not feel like I got justice.  

 

My parents want to come over next week to discuss it.  Any advice would be useful.  I don't want to be swept under the rug again.  I don't want to have to pretend like everything is magically okay.   I don't want things to go back to normal because going "back to normal" was actually hell for me.  It wasn't normal, things were never okay at those times, and I'll tell anyone when or how I want to because that is how I feel powerful.  Owning my story and rising above it is how I take my power back.  Telling my abuser that no one else has to know makes me feel like a child again.  A child who couldn't say no to sucking her brothers penis.  Makes me feel like I matter less than everyone else just like I always knew I was to them.  

The worst part is I don't feel like I can stand up for myself.  My husband would but he's gone doing military stuff for another few weeks. He's looking forward to having a conversation with my parents about it, but it'll be a bit longer.  I have to find some strength somewhere.  

My abuser did tell his wife the full story or what he told as the story to my parents and other brothers.  She's rightfully upset.  So I guess I'll give him that credit.  They are all concerned that my uncle is going to come to his house and do something stupid to him because my cousin told her dad too.  So it's a bit of a mess right now.  UGHHH

Good news though..... I'm pregnant.  I need to stay stress free and it's proving a little difficult right now. haha

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First off, congratulations on your pregnancy! You'll have a little spring baby, so cute! 

I think the least your parents can do is letting you pick the time and place. If you want your husband to be there, they have no say in that. Also, yes, you own your story. Your brother needs therapy severely, but he needs to actually make a change. It is not your parent's place to ultimately forgive him. They have no say in who you tell. 

I was thinking when I read this:

Quote

I don't want to be swept under the rug again.  I don't want to have to pretend like everything is magically okay.   I don't want things to go back to normal because going "back to normal" was actually hell for me.  It wasn't normal, things were never okay at those times, and I'll tell anyone when or how I want to because that is how I feel powerful.  Owning my story and rising above it is how I take my power back.  Telling my abuser that no one else has to know makes me feel like a child again.  

That sounds like something you could say. Now that you're pregnant, are you sure you want to talk to them about it now? Just thinking about the side effects with pregnancy, you've had enough stress as is. About them saying "God wants us to"... sounds like a topic for the Religion and Spirituality forum if you'd like to get into detail about that. And just suggesting our Parenting and Pregnancy forum, now that that journey has begun for you. 

All best 

- W ☀️

Edited by WannaMoveOn
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