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EMDR Episode 3: My CSA Memory



Specified Memory:  First memory of being sexually abused

Distress level: 8

Memory makes me feel like no one cares about me. Worst part was looking at brother for help. No one helped me.  No one cares about me. 


Bilateral Eye Movement 1: 

Brother putting a blanket over me and taking off my pants.


Bilateral Eye Movement 2:

He's touching me and making me touch him. 


***Bilateral Eye Movement 3-???????

Hatred of facial hair touching my skin around my genitals, my abusing brother didn't have much facial hair at the time, Memories of me crying, 

writing him a letter begging him to tell mom and dad, many other memories that are eluding me now.....

30 mins later....


Bilateral Eye Movement: Last

Raised my hand to signal STOP. Lots of crying. 

The Memory:  A group of dogs killed my dad's pheasants.  When they came back, he shot at them hitting a few.  They were able to catch one because it was so young. Not even 6 months old.  My dad and my middle brother put it in a laundry basket.  They said they were going to kill it.  I remember going to see it in the barn.  It was in the upside down laundry basket and something was sitting on top of it to keep the basket from moving.  I could see its little snout through the slits of the basket.  It must have been so scared.  I begged and pleaded with him not to shoot this poor animal, but they weren't listening to me.  I called my mom at work and told her.  She said to give the phone to them and I did.  Hoping she could get them to let this little puppy go.  I was crying and praying they'd let it go, but I heard the shot.  Why does no one listen to me? Why does no one care about what I want? It must have been so scared.  I've been scared like that.  No one cares about me either. 


My dad did come into my bedroom later.  He was defending himself and his reasoning for doing it.  He asked me what I wanted him to do.  I said the pound is a good place to start.  Young dogs would get adopted quicker.  I don't remember if he ever apologized.  I still hate him for doing that.  I'm over 30 now and I'm crying like a baby typing this.  Fuck if I could go back, I'd save him.  I loved the pheasants too but I don't judge animals for being animals. I judge people who should know better, people who can't see the roles of themselves as humans is to be intelligent, sympathetic and humane.  Just understand that when your 8 year old daughter, who clearly has bonded with this animal, begs for its life and has reasonable alternative solutions for it, you DONT SHOOT THE FUCKING DOG! All the times I've had to plead with my family to do something to help me and no one ever did it.  God I hate them. Pleading with my dad not to kill the dog, pleading with my mom to not spank me because I didn't get in trouble and was still spanked.  It took my brothers to get her to believe me and by then it was too late.  Can't take back hitting your child.  Begging my abusing asshole brother to tell mom and dad because they didn't believe that he hurt me, but nope.  His future was more important than mine and they could never just believe me.  Even having to get on my knees to get my mom to let me out of the house with friends who were actively waiting in the driveway for me. I was 18 years old.  FUCK. My family sucks. And what's worse is it makes me hate myself for not standing up for me.  I need to be showing more kindness to my kid self but when these memories come back, I always end up trying to blame myself for being so damn complacent.  I need to redirect my anger towards the dumbass people who were supposed to be taking care of me.  UGH I need a nap. 


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@asparkofcourage i'm so sorry.

your parents failed you in some of the worst ways possible. i think you're right to hate them for it.

i agree that what he did to that dog was unneccessary and that it was cruel and wrong. and even though i personally don't think of animals as having the same value as people, i do strongly believe that it's wrong and cruel to abuse such an animal or to kill one out of spite. we can see in dogs eyes how they are creatures who suffer and cry from injury; it's obvious; and i think that observation should resound within people, and evoke a certain amount of compassion for them. it sounds like he was driven purely by spite in those actions. he should certainly accept accountability for that; and apologize to you in earnest, as many times as you need him to. i thinks he bears much responsibility for your pain and suffering regarding that event.

i strongly think that intentionally hurting a child is wrong; even spanking. i know that it's commonplace, and that people are conditioned to think that it's necessary or fine, but to me that's no excuse. it's also important that they shouldn't have ever been quick to judge you.

worst of all, of course, they shirked their responsibility and duty to protect you from sexual abuse. and denied your testimony and need for some justice : (

i can really relate to much of what you said at the end of your writing. lately i've been putting a lot of effort into listening to my inner child and tending to his needs. just the other day i started a figurative fire inside me, to develop the inner strength that i need to break free from all the fears and baggage that have controlled me for nearly my whole life. to free the parts of me that were broken so long ago, and left to suffer deep inside of me. i decided that i refuse to any longer not be the person that i really want to be. i refuse to any longer not express the things that matter so dearly to me. and i continue to fan those figurative flames, even against everything inside of me and outside of me that try to hold me back. i have a long way to go yet, but i'm pushing forward. (edit: i might get set back or lose strength from time to time, but i'll never give up this fight. and i'll fight for everyone else who suffers unduely, in whatever capacity i have.)

i've lived my whole life clinging desperately to the things that i care most about, so often afraid to speak my mind, for fear of losing those things, or for fear of being hurt again. and i see no shame in continuing to cling to those things, if i were to do so. but i've been finding the strength to decide for myself that i'm no longer going to suffer in silence. i can't stand it anymore. i'm reclaiming my life and my spirit. and i'm really glad to see how much you're fighting for your freedom. i can see your fighting spirit. i think it's never too late to fight for our freedom. and i think that individual freedom is what matters most in this world(freedom of the mind, the spirit, and the body.)


Edited by Sleepographer
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