trigger warning The Letter that made me Disappear
Entry posted by asparkofcourage in History ·
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(Multiple lies) throughout this letter regarding time duration, the acts he committed, and not admitting to doing the same to my cousin as well. His (self pity) was overflowing. The (manipulation) is masterful. Poor childhood self. You were so strong for handling this with the limited tools you had. Thank you for pulling through the awful time period.
M****** (Me),
I just received your letter last night when I got home from work. I know that deep down in my heart I was forgiven by you and I am so gracious for that. I use to sit up at night and cry, thinking why I did what I did so many years ago. Why did a stupid 14 year old person do something like that to another human being? I know that you have been tortured by your past and I am the only one to be blamed for it. Even you said for yourself that people have seen me change. The only thing that I can see is what I have seen and I have blocked it out until you have written to me just now. I thought I was totally forgiven and all was forgotten but all I can see is that all was forgotten in Gods eyes and that torture is still here even after all was forgotten. I'm sorry but I cannot see myself telling mom and dad. Please bear in mind that this had nothing to do with my record because my record has been so tarnished that it doesn't matter. Its for the sake of MY FAMILY! I cannot have my kids ask questions about why my aunt is asking me if they've been touched. (I think he meant "I cannot have my kids aunt ask questions to them about if they have been touched.) I cannot have a record because I will never be able to find another job with that next to my name no matter how forgiven I could be! Please just for the sake of not worrying about S***** (wife) looking over my shoulder for no reason. I cannot disappoint her! She is all I cling to. I am trying to start a life. I cannot have it destroyed just yet. I know this aches within you, but I have been more understanding than anyone. I know the torture. Whatever your wish is, its granted but please don't tarnish the lives that I am going to be affecting. If it means space, its granted. If it means boundaries, draw them. If it means helping the needy and giving to the poor, take my money. All that doesn't matter to me. I don't want to be your burden because the burden shouldn't be yours to carry. You do have a beautiful voice, so use it. Your personality rocks, so go band your head to the music. But if I do speak, not only I will be affected bit the most intimate people around me will. I know if I speak to mom and dad, their hearts will break. They will never trust me again no matter how changed I am. This isn't something that just sucks for a while, this is a life changing admittance to something that is considered so diabolical in society. Every sin in God's eyes is the same, but every sin in the human's eye is completely different from one end to the other. I cannot be affected in this sort of way. I will lose my O***** career before it got started. I wanted to coach high school football after I retired. I wouldn't be able to do that. I wouldn't be able find a decent job and I cannot put all that burden on S***** (wife). Please if you have forgiven me tell you secret to the one that is closet to you but don't let it effect the ones that I love. I KNOW I WRONGED YOU BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. IF YOU WERE HERE RIGHT NOW, YOU WOULD SEE HOW MUCH I CARE!!! BUT I JUST CAN'T. THE REST OF MY LIFE WOULD BE HELL ON EARTH!!! AND IF I CONFESS NOW, I WILL STILL HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE SAME CONFESSION IN HEAVEN. PLEASE DON'T PUT ME THROUGH THE TORTURE TWICE!!! PLEASE COME AND TALK TO ME. PLEASE TRUST ME. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, FORGIVE ME!AND PLEASE DON'T EFFECT MY NEW FAMILY I'M TRYING TO START. Maybe later I can sit with mom, dad and you and tell what happened, but right now I have a new family I have to provide for and protect. I have a very demanding job I'm trying to get done. For Christ's sake, I have a wife that is loving and caring, don't take this away. If you need reassurance that I have changed, please speak to me in private. Talk to me and I will answer every question even if it means you asking more than 10 times. Go and have a great time, and make friends, meet a boy, fall in love, even if it means you telling the secret to him. Yes, I admit for the last time that I did the most diabolical thing that is on the face of the earth. I admit it, but I can't have this affect what could be a great marriage. I just can't, can't, I just can't. Please come and talk to me, I love you so much. Your brother, M******* Let me explain myself better and might not believe this but its the truth. I was only 14 years old. 14! I didn't know I was doing anything wrong because I was naïve. For about two weeks I did what I did so I am not going to lie about that. I touched you and that was it. At the end of the two weeks I was sitting next to a friend and he called somebody a "West Virginian". I didn't know what that was and I asked him. He explained it to me and I became sick to my stomach. I found out I was committing a wrong act. I STOPPED IMMEDIATELY. PLEASE DON'T EFFECT THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH THIS DECISION OF TALKING. My life is HARD ALREADY. PLEASE DON'T MAKE IT HARDER! I love you I really truly do and I asked for total forgiveness a long time ago. I have forgotten about that 'til now. If it takes us going to counseling, I'll go, I'll do anything but ruin the life that I am trying to make for myself. Please, Please, Please don't do it. Whatever you ask is granted just as long as that stays away from the picture.
End of Letter. Little does he know I tried to kill myself multiple times. My piece of mind was never considered. I was nothing to this man. The one thing that I wanted was the truth to our parents but he just couldn't give me that. His future was more important than my current suffering. He was lucky to be able to forget about that and move on. I wasn't so fortunate.
Edited by asparkofcourage
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