I've finished The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk MD. I've learned a lot about PTSD and different ways of coping, etc. Like most kids who have experienced trauma at a young age, I disassociated and I disassociated hard. Because of this, it looks like I have disassocative amnesia from the event. I only remember one instance of abuse from a 3-4 month period. I remember vaguely of other instances that happened near the same time, but when it comes to abuse, my mind has nothing to give. It's hard to be sad and to try to heal when you don't remember what you are sad about or the scary feeling of not knowing what happened to you. I want to remember but from what I've read, you wont get those memories until you feel safe enough to receive them. I'm looking forward to knowing what happened to me but I know better than to push it too hard, too quickly. For now what I'm doing is writing down the memories that I do have. Like I remember my dad telling me he was going to spank me after my brother because we did something bad. When he was spanking my brother, he had to pull his pants down, and I vaguely remember that being told to me. Of course for someone who was being sexually abused, having that told to me sent me into a disassociative state. I do not remember pulling down my pants or being spanked, but I do know when I heard that I was scared to death. I also had a panic attack in the hospital around the same time because when my family contracted rabies we had to rush to the hospital and got put in a isolated room. They then said we were all going to need to get shots on our butts (being the fleshiest part of our bodies). I remember crying because I heard the nurses say "pull down your pants a little" and I remember going still and unable to think. Luckily, the nurses came and did the shot in my thighs so I didn't have to pull down my pants. Hearing the nurse tell me that gave me instant relief though it took me a while to stop crying. Even now if I get into a small argument with my husband or someone initiates conflict around me, I can't help but grow still and silent without the ability to think. Heart rate and breathing goes up in anticipation and then nothing. I can't seem to control it. I know that its PTSD and those survival instincts that kept little me alive are intertwined in my brain and unleash when a slight similarity from my abuse happens upon me. From reading this book, I also learned about ways to help. Therapy is always a good practice. Also, EDMR is a way. (Something I am willing to try) Next, things like yoga and acting are also good ways to heal trauma. Yoga because having gone through trauma can make you feel out of your body or not in control of your body and yoga makes you focus on your body. Breathing techniques in yoga also help to calm down the body by slowing the breathing and thus making the heartrate go down. Acting because it helps you explore emotions under the guise of those emotions being someone else's. So therefore you can explore things that you feel without having to directly relate them to yourself and thus bringing up heavy issues such as abuse. Those were my biggest takeaways from the book though there are more I could have said.
Edited by asparkofcourage