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I have to write about safety for next week. I'll post my thoughts here. 

To have a complete sense of safety is when I feel comfortable to be myself, secure in the knowledge I wont be physically hurt and to the ability to speak my mind without repercussions.  When I was growing up in my childhood home, I didn't have any of this.  I did not feel safe in my own home.  I just sat in my room with my door locked all day, everyday.  I even jumped out my window one day just to try it, in case I ever needed to.  My brother sexually abused me for a certain amount of time (I can't remember a lot of it), my parents told me there were demons in the house (those demons were haunting us because we were God's chosen people or something...???) and my mother even went as far to tell me that when Obama became president, it would start the apocalypse.  She had a plan for us to go in the woods and my dad would shoot us then himself to escape it.  I was very afraid to be in my own home and the only place my mother would allow me to go is to my brothers home (the abuser).  I felt safer with his wife there but I still would get anxious and still, hoping I wouldn't see him come down the hallway.  He never did, but it still shows how afraid of him I was.  Leaving for college helped me regain a sense of safety because I was hours away from my family.  My mothers extreme religious beliefs made it very difficult for me to openly be bisexual so I repressed that part of myself as well.  I also am not religious anymore and for fear of how my mother would react, I haven't been able to be open about that too.  

Currently I feel most comfortable by myself with my dogs during the day.  The best part of my childhood was when my brothers did afterschool activities and my parents worked late into the evening, leaving me alone with my dog for about 3 hours after school.  It was the best.  I could sing loud, be myself, ect.  I think that's why I still find comfort in it today.  I do feel mostly safe around my husband, but I do fear making him upset. I think I'm a people pleaser in that way.  I don't fear my safety. Nothing like that, but the idea of me making him mad just makes me want to curl up and hide.  I'm probably codependent on my husband too.  I'm working on that though.  I've said before that sleeping alone is awful.  I keep a gun on my nightstand just in case.  When my husband is home, I don't even think about the firearm, but as soon as I'm alone at night, I have to have it in arms reach.  (I've taken gun safety courses so no worries)  When alone at night, I will wake up 7 plus times, each time making sure I'm ok and where the gun is. 

I want to feel completely safe in my current life.  I want to be able to sleep through the night (as he works the night shift often).  I want to not feel hypervigilant of potential dangers around me.  I want to feel comfortable to express myself and live my life truly without worry that my family will judge me for it.  

Lastly, I've also been having these thoughts that when I tell my family about the abuse that my abuser will come to my house and try to hurt me.  I don't remember him making any threats to me ever, but it's been popping up in my brain lately.  Can't seem to shake them.  

Edited by asparkofcourage
Added the Body


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