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asparkofcourage

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I'm supposed to write about trust for therapy next week.  I'll write down some ideas here over the next week. 

 

It is very hard to trust anyone. I don't trust anyone to care for me, to protect me or to put myself first.  I trust my parents to be self interested and self preserving.  I trust my brother (abuser) to be self interested and to ignore the validity of my pain.  I've accepted the fact that trust is fickle and the people closest to you will be the ones to let you down.  Blood relations don't mean too much.  If I do have trust in someone it can be very easily broken by the most simplest of reasons.  I don't trust words whatsoever, I only trust actions.  But because I don't want to be lonely, I accept the bare minimum of out of people including if our trust is broken.  Trust should be important in every meaningful relationship that I have.  To trust someone is to be vulnerable and that is scary. As I've gotten older, I've learned to lean into the scary feelings because I know I need to in order to have a loving/meaningful relationship.  The person I trust the most is my husband.  Its not 100% but its the most I have for a person.  I do want to have a trusting relationship with my parents but I don't think they are capable of that.  My mother is to judgmental and my dad can't express his emotions.  Parts of me still blame them for keeping me in an environment that fostered sexual/emotional abuse.  I never felt safe in that house growing up even when the sexual abuse stopped.  I only feel completely safe when I'm by myself with my dogs. Except at night, my husband has to be home in order to sleep well at night.  Whenever my husband is working nights, I keep a gun on my nightstand.  I'm assuming most of the abuse happened at night.  Before I had a significant other, sleeping at night was very difficult.  But now that I'm married and have a sleeping buddy, I get the best sleep I've had.  It must mean that I do trust my husband because I imagine I wouldn't feel comfortable with just anybody.  

Edited by asparkofcourage

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